Tag Archives: weird

I may never sleep again

and also, I may have to move.

Believe it or not, I was in my 20’s the fist time I saw a centipede. Well, I mean, in real life and outside of the insect house at the zoo. I always hated that scene in Willy Wonka though. Anyway, I remember my first centipede because I was in the shower and it crawled across the wall. I horror movie screamed and ran wet and naked down the stairs. We had company. I was too busy being horrified to care.

I guess we didn’t have centipedes in the house I grew up in because my dad owned a pest control company and stored bulk containers of pesticides directly beneath my bedroom in the garage. That probably explains a lot of things about my childhood, actually.

Anyway, the house I live in now has centipedes ALL THE FREAKING TIME and by all the freaking time I mean I see 1 or 2 a year. Each time I scream and shake and freak out until someone comes and deals with it or I manage to hit it with one of the objects I am chucking at it from across the room. The centipedes we get here are fast and have really long legs that look like false eyelashes and I’m pretty sure they are getting in through a portal straight from hell. They are horrible and creepy and I just found out recently that they BITE! Holy fudge can these things get any more horrible?!?! (and no, one didn’t bite me, a fb friend was bitten and I was like, GAH OMFG ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! and I looked it up and was like OMG WHY IS LIFE SO TERRIBLE!?!?!)

So last night I was ripping tiles out of my shower and scraping up caulk when I stepped into the hallway to grab a trash can and an entirely different variety of centipede crawled across my hallway floor. This one was bulky and had short legs and looked much more like the giant ones at the zoo than the eyelashy ones we usually have. I screamed so loudly that Andy ran up 2 flights of stairs to see what was wrong. I had a tile in my hand so I threw the tile on it and then jumped up and down on it several times. I made Andy check to be sure it was dead and then had him throw the tile away. I’ll just buy a new tile. It’s okay.

The point of all of this is, I just found out there are at least 2 species of centipedes in this area of the country and apparently they’ve both found the hell portal into my house.

Now I’m all itchy and keep seeing centipedey shadows. *shudder* Yeah, I’m going to have to move.

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Filed under * this moment *, Just a day in my life.

Come with me and you’ll be …

in a world of surprisingly little imagination.
This will (hopefully) come as a surprise to many of you, but I am severely challenged in the suspension of belief / imagination department.  I suppose you could say I’m creative.  I like to do things with my hands.  I used to draw pretty well.  I kind of sculpt a little and am good at thinking of things to sculpt.  I can jury rig just about anything.  I’m good at stuff like that.  I can’t enjoy fiction like most people though.  Most books won’t hold my attention.  Sad movies never make me cry.  I get overly distracted by plot holes and predictability in scripts.  OMG, I do not understand pen and paper RPG’s.  People who refer to playing video games like they’re actually in them baffle me.  I just completely and utterly lack the ability to pretend I am someone else or to get immersed in a story I know didn’t really / isn’t really happening.  All of my witticisms are simply twists on existing things.  Puns, parodies, satirical jabs, and sarcasm.  Even my “art” if you can call it that, is reproduction or combining existing things in new ways.  This doesn’t really bother me or anything.  I’m just baffled by how others seem to do it so easily.

My daughter wears a fairy costume at renaissance festivals.  Her fairy has props and a back story, heck, she has a whole fairy world where different types of fairies live in different places and whatnot.  For example, she lives in a sunflower and drinks an elixir that makes her people sized so she can interact with humans when she wants to.  Flower fairies and tree fairies have bad blood between them.  They’re easy to tell apart though because tree fairies have pointy ears.  There aren’t really any rock fairies but it’s considered very posh to live in a geode.   She thinks they’re really too flashy and quite uncomfortable though, so she doesn’t really see what all the fuss is about.

I’ve worked at Ren faires for 7 years and I can’t even maintain the same accent all day, let alone come up with a back story.

It’s the same with Andy and his gamers.  They’ll play a game and then stand around and reminisce about it like it not only actually happened but like they weren’t all just there.  Or Andy will tell some story about gaming or airsoft or whatever and his friends all play along like he just got back from a tour overseas and is telling legit war stories.
I contemplated playing the Dresden Files RPG until I discovered I couldn’t just say I was Molly would have to create a character and then try to think and act like that character.  What?!?!  I totally can’t do that.

The ability to think in stories like that is just so weird and foreign to me.  Heck, even as a kid when we played Barbies I really just wanted to dress them up and fix their hair.  I never cared about whatever little scenario we were supposed to be playing out.

I’m not really sure what the point of any of this is other than it occurred to me to find it odd that the lifelong weird girl who wanted to grow up to be an artist utterly lacks an imagination.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m smart and a good technical writer or I guess I’d be screwed.  Also, I always did suck at ending things that I write so, um, the end.

 

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Wondering how my daughter will survive in the wild…

or why did I pay to send you to all those expensive schools?
Yes the bar exam is mere days away and I should be studying, but I had to post this one.

I have invested a lot of time, money, energy, research, etc. to send my daughter to the very best schools.  Shocking for a former teen mom, I know.  Just one of the many ways I’m not typical.  When she was in grade school, I got up early every day and drove her across town to the best ranked school in the area where I paid a small fortune in out-of-district tuition, volunteered in the classroom, worked part-time in the cafeteria as a second job, ran the annual talent show, and coached my daughter’s creative problem solving team.

When she got into high school, we decided our small Kentucky school didn’t have a lot to offer outside of academics, so we moved to one of the best school districts in Ohio.  Here I don’t have to pay out of district tuition.  Instead I pay a small fortune for the privilege of living in one of the best school districts in Ohio.

My daughter is now going into her sophomore year of college at one of the top ranked schools in the country for her chosen profession, which is also a very expensive private school.  You get the picture.

So given that I have made a very serious point to make sure my daughter has had some of the best education the Midwest has to offer, I just LOVE it when she comes out with gems like this:

Andy to me (in the kitchen): Gracie (our dog) got hold of a pack of tortillas off the counter again.  I think we’re going to have to sell her to gypsies.

Me: We always threaten her with gypsies.  I think we need to go with something more plausible like … humane euthanization.

Andy: I think euthanasia is a bit harsh for the crime of tortilla theft.

Me to daughter (in living room): Gracie got tortillas again.  Do you think we should sell her to gypsies, or just have her humanely euthanized?

Daughter: Gypsies.  Nobody deserves euthanasia!  How would you do that humanely anyway?

Me: Ummm give her a shot that makes her fall asleep and never wake up or put her in a room with gas that makes her fall asleep and never wake up.  The same ways they always humanely euthanize animals.

Daughter: Wait.  What?  I thought euthanize meant you tie ropes to someone arms and legs and then have them pulled apart by goats.

Me: Haha goats?  Why goats?

Daughter: Wait, no, I think I meant to say horses or oxes or something.

Me: Hold on, are you being serious right now?

Daughter: Yeah.  I thought euthanize was when you tie ropes to someone and have them pulled apart by horses or whatever.

Me: Whatever like GOATS?  I’m pretty sure goats trying to pull you apart would just make you say, “stop it goats.  You suck.”

Andy: I’m pretty sure goats would just eat the ropes.  That’s called being drawn and quartered.  How in the world did you confuse being drawn and quartered with euthanasia?

Me: by goats!

Daughter: I don’t know.  Why would I know about humane euthanization anyway?

Me: Why did I send you to all those expensive schools?!?!

Daughter: Clearly not so they could teach me about euthanasia.  When would that even come up?

Me: When would drawing and quartering by goats come up.

Daughter: Oh my god, mom.  I meant to say ox, not goat.

I’m not really sure how basic farm animal confusion makes it better.  Oh, and for the record, my dog’s life was in no real danger.  I figure it’s okay to make idle threats against her life because she doesn’t speak English anyway.

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EPIC Weekend (part 2) More gaming con shenanigans

The second installment in the story of my epic weekend at Origins Game Fair.  If you missed part 1, we revese photo-bombed Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day, played board games with Grant Wilson, and drank rum with a modern day pirate.  You should check it out… but you don’t have to.  This posts does fine as a stand-alone.

Wherein I peddled some wares…

Sleep was fail.  I had to be at the vendor hall early because I had a load of my friend Kace’s patchwork skirts in my car and had to get them to Journeyman Leather so they could be sold.  If you’re in Ohio this fall you should come see us at Silver Squirrel at the Ohio Rennaisance Festival.  You should also buy a skirt while you’re there because they are beautiful, you can wear them year round, and they’re guaranteed to match everything in your closet.  (Can you tell I’ve been doing that pitch for 7 years?)

Wherein I was nearly exterminated …

While delivering skirts I discovered there was a Doctor Who booth run by Who North America which is semi-local (within a reasonable drive if I have other plans in the area type deal) and I was like how could practically everyone I know have been here for 3 days already and nobody thought to mention this?!?!  And then I was all like HOLY CRAP A DALEK! How did nobody think to tell me there was a Dalek here?!?!  … and also a Tardis but who doesn’t have a Tardis these days?

Wherein my cheese curds were disappointingly not squeaky…

After that it was off to lunch at North Market with a few friends.  Good food and good times were had by all.

Wherein my friends totally geek out …

While at lunch my friends Steve and Ofelia asked what I had planned for the day.  I said I had promised to go by and demo “Four Taverns” so I needed to go do that but otherwise I was free.  They said they’d like to demo the game too and could they tag along.  I said sure and off we went.

Turns out, Steve and Ofelia are huge Ghost Hunters fans and were hilariously star struck over meeting Grant Wilson.  They couldn’t stop grinning and taking pictures the whole time.  It was fun though and Grant was an awesome sport.  He even agreed to talk to Steve’s sister on the phone.

Look at Steve cheesin,! He was just a little excited. haha

While we were demoing “Four Taverns” no less than 15 people came by to see me.  It was awesome and I was reminded that at least once or twice a year I am surrounded by people who find me more awesome than awkward, and I am totally okay with that.  As for the game, it’s great and I’m going to post a review today or tomorrow. Please check it out. If you can’t wait that long, here’s a link to Rather Dashing Games. I was originally going to post the review here but this post is already a bit too long and Mike and Grant would probably rather have a review in which I’m not also geeking over Daleks and talking about nipple juju anyway.

Wherein Ofelia loves you, man …

Moving on… Saturday was also Ofelia’s birthday and you can’t have a birthday at a con without your friends getting you drunk.  Con’s, however, aren’t like Vegas.  What happens at cons ends up photographed, videotaped, blogged, and otherwise spread all over the interwebz.  That said, here’s Ofelia drunk dialing everyone she knows while her husband videotaped it.  I’m not sure what she was talking about because it was loud where we were, but at one point I was put on the phone with her sister-in-law to explain why I was being mean to her in our game.

Wherein I discover the awesome evil power of my left nipple …

The game was Risk and I always think I want to play Risk but then I remember that I totally suck at rolling dice.  I don’t care what anyone says, dice rolling is a skill and it’s a skill I don’t possess.  I even got personalized dice with my name on them.  It didn’t help.  Those dice hate me the most of all dice and it makes me sad.  I also suck at playing green no matter what the game.  I don’t know why, I just suck at green.

Anyway, we were playing Risk and Steve’s teenaged nephew was kicking my butt and I was about to die and be out of the game when it came to me.  Andy does this thing where, when he needs a good roll he rubs his dice on his nipples.  The sad thing is, it works.  This is like the whole sucking at dice and green thing.  I don’t know what weird forces rule the gaming universe.  I do know, however, that nipples are like little portals or beacons of power or something that link the gaming forces to our mortal world.

For reasons I won’t go into my left nipple is evil.  It occurred to me that if I could properly harness this power, I could sabotage everyone else’s rolls and catch back up in the game.  So, before the child could attack me again, I grabbed his dice and rubbed them on my left nipple while singing the evil nipple song (which I made up as I went).  I then made weird jinxing hand motions from my left nipple to the board and handed Michael back his dice.  He rolled all 1’s.  It was doubly awesome because 1’s totally look like nipples.  Maybe that’s why nipples are beacons through which game powers are channeled?  hmmmm

The amazing thing was, he couldn’t stop rolling 1’s.  Roll after roll 1’s kept coming up until the poor boy screamed “What have you done to these dice?!?!  Take it back!  You have to take it back!”  You don’t want to mess with my evil nipple.  It’s bad news.

So you might be thinking there’s a flaw in my bad nipple juju strategy in that I will eventually have to roll those same dice to defend my dudes.  Not so.  You see, the universe must remain in balance so for every evil nipple there must also be a good nipple.  I’m pretty sure that’s a Taoist principle.

good nipple

Believe it or not the powers of the gaming universe being channeled through my nipples was so powerful that not only did I not die, I came back and won the game!  and then I wrote “nipple” on the board.  True story.

So that’s how I spent day 2 at Origins.  I saw lots of other people and did lots of other things but it wasn’t any of those people’s birthdays so whatever, they got left out.

Please tune in tomorrow for my review of “Four Taverns” and a few more pics from the con.  G’night everybody.

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OMG WTF IS IN MY BED?!?!

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.  I have a lot of posts rolling around in my head, I just haven’t found time to sit down and write them.  This, however, was too weird not to share right away.

In addition to not falling asleep easily I also sleep poorly.  We bought a Sleep Number bed and it has helped somewhat but I have arthritis and my joints get achy if I’m in the same position for any length of time.  As such, I need to change sleeping positions about 200 times a night.

The night before last I went to roll over and realized something heavy, warm, and thick was on my hand.  Horrified I raised my arm up to see what it was but it was dark so I couldn’t tell.  I also couldn’t think of anything, I mean anything, that could possibly be the consistency of what was in my hand.  It was thick and sort of gelatinous with sizable lumps of something hard and it was warm, very warm.   Still horrified I began moving my fingers around, hoping my brain could come up with some logical explanation for what I was feeling.  Nothing, just squishy, warm, lumpy, unidentifiable SOMETHING in my bed … no, in my hand!  I was holding it in my hand and it came from my bed!  WTF was going on?!?!  My sleep addled brain was reeling, running through a catalog of all possible known substances when the stuff in my hand began to slowly ooze out of my hand toward my face.  I froze, my eyes wide, terrified, wondering what sort of living nightmare  I was about to experience.  It was absolutely one of the most terrifying experiences I’ve ever had while lying in bed.

I eventually got my crap together enough to move my hand away from my face.  The substance continued to ooze until it finally landed on my abdomen.  I audibly gasped.  As I lay there, eyes wide with terror, staring at some gelatinous oozing terror on my stomach, IT GOT UP!  It got up and walked away and then I finally realized what it was.  It was my freaking cat.  There had been a sheet between my hand and the cat so I didn’t feel fur, just all the other stuff a cat feels like.  Freaking cat.  Andy, of course, slept through the entire ordeal.  I think the moral of this story is that both cats and men are completely useless when you’re half asleep and experiencing tactile night terrors.

Coming soon:  Ladies, this is why you don’t have gay friends, Come to the dark side, it’s just cooler here, and at least 2 web comics.

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Filed under ... in bed, Just a day in my life.

wiener cheese

EDIT: years later I sort of regret writing this. It was in jest at the time, but I seriously am very anti-circumcision. It’s cosmetic genital mutilation and it’s not okay. I’m leaving the post up but please know, I am in no way intending to reinforce stupid rationales for preforming unnecessary cosmetic surgery on infants.

Lamey: I don’t know why, but I find the 10th Doctor really attractive.  I think it’s his mannerisms.

Me: He’s too skinny AND he’s European so he’s likely uncircumcised.  I for one am glad we’ve adopted a draconian and barbaric custom of mutilating the genitals of baby boys in this country.  Uncircumcised wieners look like big ‘ol slugs.  I don’t want to see that coming at me.  Ugh.

Lamey: They are ugly, but not that bad so long as the guy is clean and takes care of his junk.

Me: Ewwww  wiener cheese!

Lamey: Haha  wiener cheese always makes me picture that stereotypical wedge of cartoon swiss.  I just imagine some guy walking around with swiss wedges falling out his pant leg and them lying all over the floor.

We laughed and went back to watching Doctor Who.  Lamey was folding laundry.  Then I remembered Andy had a foam block of cartoony swiss in the cabinet behind me.  (He’s a Packers fan.  We just have these things lying around)  So I reached behind me and found the foam cheese.  Then placed it on the table in the middle of Lamey’s folded laundry when she wasn’t looking.  She literally almost peed when she saw it.

That all happened last week, but for some reason I thought about it again this morning.  Not being one to let a joke die, I grabbed my camera and Andy’s cheesehead and proceeded to blow up Lamey’s facebook wall with wiener cheese photos.  I had such a good time creating them, I decided to share with my lovely blog reading audience.  So, without further ado, an album I like to call, “dirty house guest”.

In case you’re wondering, I wiped down the toilet seat with a Clorox wipe first.

It’s a little ridiculous the lengths I’ll go to for a laugh, even when I’m the only one laughing.

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I guess Ninja Turtles and the Sith Code don’t really scream “professional”

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been working, A LOT.  I clocked in at close to 110 hours over the last 2 weeks!  That said, while I am working full time at the moment, I’m still technically unemployed.  A local attorney has been kind enough to let me work on occasional jobs for him from home so that I can show some experience on my resume.  Hooray for paychecks and experience!

While I usually work from home, the project I am currently working on has required me to go in to the office.  That’s all well and good and gets me exposure and everything, but I have a slight problem with my laptop.

Why yes, that is duct take holding one of the sides together.

The best part is, I’m working in a very conservative law office.  I thought I was all slick though and came up with a back story.  The attorney I work for knows my daughter recently went away to college so I sort of gave the impression that my laptop was really her old laptop and that I had intended to get myself a new one.  Sure there’s an ACLU sticker on there.  My kid could be very political, he doesn’t know.  My point is, I thought I had side stepped the embarrassment of being a 37 year old giant child and could just move on with the project without giving the impression that I am a giant nerd child.  Don’t get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with being an adult kid.  I just really want this job to lead to something permanent, either in this firm or through recommendation.  It doesn’t behoove me to come across as weird or to not fit in.  I’m networking in addition to just working.

Within hours of working on the project, however, my boss proceeded to lean over my shoulder to see what I was working on.  I started explaining what I was doing and then realized he was reading my wallpaper.

My wallpaper is currently the Sith Code, which goes a little something like this:

“Peace is a lie, there is only passion.  Through passion, I gain strength.  Through strength, I gain power.  Through power, I gain victory.  Through victory, my chains are broken.”

Now, I can pretty much guarantee that the Star Wars reference was entirely lost on my boss.  Absent the Star Wars reference, I am entirely uncertain what the words of the Sith Code say about me, especially when read through the eyes of a conservative attorney.  Is it good, bad, confusing, weird?  I have no idea!  Given the awkward situation I was now in, I decided to do what I always do in awkward situations.  I pretended it didn’t happen.  I just kept talking about the project and pretended like I didn’t notice him reading it.  That works, right?

So, I kept working and a few days went by without incident.  Then my boss’ old partner stopped by to see how the project was going.  He came into my office to find me totally disorganized, frantically collating paper, and sitting behind my sticker covered laptop.  He didn’t say anything about the laptop but instead came over and gave me some more papers to add to my collection.  He explained what each was and how it related to the project.  As he continued to go over things, I realized that he too was reading my wallpaper.  Great!  This guy’s seemingly more conservative than the first guy, doesn’t know me, and hasn’t even heard the story about it being a hand-me-down.  Awesome.

Needless to say, I’m not very good at networking and the like.  In limited contact situations I do pretty well at putting on a suit and coming across as both an adult and very professional.  (Seriously, “you look so grown up” is a frequent comment on my facebook photos.) The problem is, it didn’t really occur to me that I need to adultify myself beyond taking out my piercings, making sure my tattoos aren’t visible, wearing a professional wardrobe and carrying a nice briefcase.  Before you ask, yes, I carry my laptop in my briefcase.  I just don’t usually need to take it out in public!  Jeesh

So, I guess I learned something this week.  Probably not any of the stuff I should have learned, but I learned that I need to get a new laptop and put some boring wallpaper of flowers or a landscape or something on there.  Yep, that seems about right.

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