Tag Archives: socially awkward

Come one come all, see the bizarre 1 nippled woman

Some time around puberty I came to realize that I do not understand girls.  I was always a tomboy and preferred hotwheels and Star Wars toys to playing house or whatever it is that girls do.  I did have girl friends as a kid though . Well, up until the point my contemporaries became interested in clothes and shopping and being two-faced and judgmental and then I just decided that I just wasn’t really much of a girl.  For much of high school and through my 20’s I just didn’t really have many friends in general.  I had a few and they are wonderful and loyal and had been my friends since childhood so they were safe and comfortable and it was fine.

At around 30 I discovered that I do quite well as one of the guys.  So for the past 8 years or so I’ve made loads of friends, most of which have wieners.  I was totally okay with that except when some guy would bring his wife or girlfriend around under some misguided belief that my being there would somehow make her feel more comfortable.  This just served to enhance both my fear of girls and my fear of meeting new people.  With that in mind, I decided I needed to conquer my fear of girls.

My local game and comic shop decided to start a girls night about 6 months ago.  I figured a game and comic shop was a good place to start, so I started going when I have time.  I still feel a bit out of my element and painfully aware of my awkwardness, even with a group of girls who hang out in a game and comic shop, but the girls are all very nice and even though I am the token old chick in the group, I like them.

Last night a few of us had a holiday get together.  Within 10 minutes of being there my awkwardness came out in full force.  Someone said something about nipples and I chimed in with “I only have one.”

Conversation stopped.  Everyone turned to me and someone asked, “one nipple?”  I responded that “yes, my left nipple is inverted” to which everyone became immediately fascinated.  One of the girls chimed in with “Well I’m curious.  I totally want to see that some time.” Then suddenly there was a chorus of agreement from the room and I heard myself say, “if you really want to see it I’ll show you.”

I kid you not, a room full of women leaned in and waited with bated breath.  It was like I was telling some fascinating story and they couldn’t wait to find out what was going to happen next.  Then I realized that since I hadn’t even been there long enough to sit down yet, I was standing with the girls sitting in a circle all around me, leaning in expectantly.  One girl even cleared her throat in a “we’re waiting, make with the nipple” sort of way.

I reached down my shirt, pulled my boob out, leaned forward and then displayed it in a circle around the room like a grade school teacher showing the class the picture in a book she is reading aloud.  A flurry of conversations and questions broke out and apparently my inverted nipple is fascinating as well as being sort of weird and horrible.  It is also a channel for bad dice rolling juju, but that is a different story.

I debated posting a picture of my inverted nipple here for the curious but then I decided that I do have some modestly and you people have google.  I’m not your mother, go look it up.  Plus I don’t really want my blog to be flagged as inverted nipple porn or something.  It’s bad enough that it frequently comes up in google searches involving “butt plugs”, “daughter butt plug” (why do so many people search for that?!?!?  Seriously!), “weiners”, and “boobs”.  Since I recently added a tag called “vagina jokes” and am adding “nipple” to this one, it’s probably just a matter of time before I get flagged for something anyway.

So I guess this story has two morals.  1- if you incidentally mention your daughter and butt plugs in the some post, weirdos will google your blog.  2 – don’t mention your mutant body parts in a room full of girls unless you are prepared to display them.

You’re welcome for both of these valuable life lessons.

 

 

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Filed under Board gamer lamer, Just a day in my life.

Well crap. Literally.

Apparently what happens if you eat a half dozen Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits and manage to survive the night is that you crap your pants at the grocery.  I really wish I was exaggerating a particularly nasty fart for comedic effect but nope, that happened. It was really more a shart than a full crap but yeah, outside of illness and too many laxatives, this is a horrific first for me.  Also, people often tell me that they love how I am so open and can just talk about myself so easily.  This is the down side to that right here.  I’m pretty sure most people don’t share these stories.  I’m also pretty sure Andy won’t be sharing this blog post.

In less disturbing news, I’d like to thank the hilarious Noodles & Company employee with no concept of volume control for making my lunch so entertaining.

I was craving Pad Thai today so I went to the snooty upscale shopping center half way between work and home.  Like many midwest snooty shopping centers it is always packed to the hilt with a bunch of cookie cutter white people.  There are business men and women, bored stay at home moms, and rich college kids in there mostly.  Nearly all of the employees look exactly like the customers and were it not for the name tags it would be hard to tell the employees from the patrons.  Today though, I walked into Noodles to find a tall, heavy-set black woman in the kitchen and a middle aged guy in a kilt in line in front of me.  Cool, I thought.  This place is finally diversifying a little.

As it turned out, it was even better than I could have hoped because the black woman – and let me say that no, I don’t say African American because not all black people are from Africa and because I have known people who are from Africa who are black, white, and brown so I just find the term unnecessary and inaccurate.  Black people know they’re black.  It’s okay to say so.  Anyway, this woman was hilarious and had absolutely no idea how well her voice carries.  The second the kilted guy was out of her view, and bear in mind, he hadn’t left, he was just no longer standing where she could see him she said:

Loud employee: HAHA!  DID Y’ALL SEE THAT MAN WEARIN’ A SKIRT?!?!

Another employee (probably aware the guy was still there): Oh, he was wearing a kilt.  Maybe he’s going play the bagpipes for us.

Loud employee: WANTS SOMEBODY TO PLAY WITH HIS BAG AND PIPE MORE LIKE!  HAHA!

Kilted guy headed deliberately toward the back door so as to stay out of sight of the employees conversing about him.  I was disappointed.  I was really hoping one of them would ask him if he’s wearing underwear.  Guys in kilts get that A LOT.  So much so that many of them will show you rather than answer the question.  That would have made my lunch perfect.

Other employee: (I couldn’t hear what she said but I am assuming it was something to the effect of can you or would you play bagpipes)

Loud employee: SHOOT NO!  I AIN’T GOT WIND FOR THAT.  I PLAY CLARINET AND VIOLIN THOUGH.

I’d beg to differ loud, funny lady.  I think you most certainly “have the wind for that”.

After that they got really busy so there was no more commentary from the kitchen.  I quickly became surrounded by the boring droning of the most vanilla of wealthy white people.  Then I remembered why I seldom go to the uppity shopping mall despite it being the closest place I can get Thai food.  I don’t really fit in with uppity white people.  I don’t really fit in with most people, if I am entirely honest.  I guess the nice thing about not fitting in anywhere though, is that I’ve kind of learned how to blend in most everywhere.  Well, so long as I don’t open my mouth.  If I have to open my mouth I’m much more like the loud Noodle lady.  I may stick out like a sore thumb, but hopefully I’m at least entertaining.

 

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Filed under Just a day in my life.

On being socially awkward

UPDATE: My mom posted this to facebook today after reading my blog.

“Everyone feels out of place, not accepted, judged, ridiculed or tolerated sometimes. Self doubt is human nature. So is guilt,shame and so many more negative or distorted views of oneself. It’s what we do to overcome these thoughts and perceptions that define us. What we’re able to accomplish despite these inner demons. And who we reach out to that are suffering at any particular time. So embrace y

our inner freak, brat, or whatever label you or others have bestowed upon you.. Look through tolerant eyes and with a non judgmental heart. You don’t know what someone else may be going through til you’ve walked in their docs. Look past the makeup to see light in their eyes. Past the holes in their clothes to see the dignity that they treat others with. And past the layers of weight that pad us from life’s slings and arrows. Everyone deserves a break, a smile, a hand up and more good people to surround ourselves with. I love you and pray you love me. And yourself. We’re all unfinished works of art. Embrace the art!” ` My Mom

Thanks Mom.  🙂

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.  I’ve been working 7 days a week and I think I’ve been fighting depression.  It’s hard to say though because I generally fight depression by staying busy and trying not to think about it.  It works okay.  Now that I am writing, it’s going to be a short post though, because I have to go to work.  Working 7 days a week sucks.

This post was prompted by my semi-annual attempt to branch out and meet new people, resulting in me feeling like no one likes me and crying over facebook … like it always does.  I don’t know why meeting new people is so hard for me.  I don’t know if I try too hard or if I don’t try hard enough but it seems like it always takes people a very long time to warm up to me.  I shouldn’t say always.  If I have someone I know well and can play off of, I can come across as funny.  People like funny. If I’m totally by myself though, I guess I just come across weird.  In high school people always told me I reminded them of Allison in The Breakfast Club.  I guess I never outgrew it.

I’ve had many, many people tell me they didn’t like me at first but I grew on them.  When I ask why, they say they don’t know or that I seemed standoffish.  If I seem standoffish it’s because I know people don’t like me at first so I’m afraid to put myself out there.  If I put myself out there and I’m rejected, it really, really hurts.  It’s a vicious cycle.

So I decided to put myself out there again and now I find myself at a crossroads.  I am trying to fit in with a new group and once again, I feel rejected by most.  Because I feel rejected by most, I worry that those who are nice to me are just being nice because they feel sorry for me, the poor awkward girl who seemingly doesn’t have any friends.  Again, a vicious cycle of self-doubt.  So I need to decide if I keep putting myself out there and crying or if I shelve the idea, decide I’m content with the group of friends I have, and retreat back into my world of semi-solitude.  In law school I did the latter.

See, I have a lot of friends and my friends are amazing people.  I don’t really need to keep putting myself out there.  The thing is though, my friends are scattered all over and I seldom get to see any of them.  I get lonely and I get tired of feeling like an oddball.  I get tired of everyone else doing the things they like to do while I do the things I have to do and nothing more.

So I don’t know what I’ll do.  I may endure the hurt of rejection until I finally grow on a few people or I may retreat back into my shell and take up making tiny hats as a full time hobby.  We’ll see.

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Filed under Just a day in my life.