Tag Archives: sleeplessness

A letter to my fur kids

Dear animals,

Thank you for once again waking me up at 6:00 AM on my day off.  I’d obviously much rather dish out kibble and walk dogs than relax and sleep in on the rare occasion that I actually have the opportunity to do so.  Oh and while we’re on the subject, thanks for waking me up an hour before my alarm goes off during the week too. I’m glad to see letting you out later and giving you late night snacks has had zero affect on your internal clocks.

I know this is the cross I chose to bear when I got suckered in by your respective sad stories and brought you home for a better life.  It’s fine.  All I ask is this, when I eventually fall over dead from hypertension from never being allowed to sleep or relax, please don’t eat my corpse.  I’m an organ donor.

Yes, Mr. Annoying Pants, I’m talking to you.

Love,

The only light sleeper in this entire stinking house

A/K/A Mommy

OKAY, I’ll throw your toy now!  Jeesh.

Leave a comment

June 9, 2012 · 9:36 am

OMG WTF IS IN MY BED?!?!

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.  I have a lot of posts rolling around in my head, I just haven’t found time to sit down and write them.  This, however, was too weird not to share right away.

In addition to not falling asleep easily I also sleep poorly.  We bought a Sleep Number bed and it has helped somewhat but I have arthritis and my joints get achy if I’m in the same position for any length of time.  As such, I need to change sleeping positions about 200 times a night.

The night before last I went to roll over and realized something heavy, warm, and thick was on my hand.  Horrified I raised my arm up to see what it was but it was dark so I couldn’t tell.  I also couldn’t think of anything, I mean anything, that could possibly be the consistency of what was in my hand.  It was thick and sort of gelatinous with sizable lumps of something hard and it was warm, very warm.   Still horrified I began moving my fingers around, hoping my brain could come up with some logical explanation for what I was feeling.  Nothing, just squishy, warm, lumpy, unidentifiable SOMETHING in my bed … no, in my hand!  I was holding it in my hand and it came from my bed!  WTF was going on?!?!  My sleep addled brain was reeling, running through a catalog of all possible known substances when the stuff in my hand began to slowly ooze out of my hand toward my face.  I froze, my eyes wide, terrified, wondering what sort of living nightmare  I was about to experience.  It was absolutely one of the most terrifying experiences I’ve ever had while lying in bed.

I eventually got my crap together enough to move my hand away from my face.  The substance continued to ooze until it finally landed on my abdomen.  I audibly gasped.  As I lay there, eyes wide with terror, staring at some gelatinous oozing terror on my stomach, IT GOT UP!  It got up and walked away and then I finally realized what it was.  It was my freaking cat.  There had been a sheet between my hand and the cat so I didn’t feel fur, just all the other stuff a cat feels like.  Freaking cat.  Andy, of course, slept through the entire ordeal.  I think the moral of this story is that both cats and men are completely useless when you’re half asleep and experiencing tactile night terrors.

Coming soon:  Ladies, this is why you don’t have gay friends, Come to the dark side, it’s just cooler here, and at least 2 web comics.

3 Comments

Filed under ... in bed, Just a day in my life.

Frontal Lobe Malfunctions (a comic!)

Please click image to view the entire thing.  This post will be the death of me.

why I can't sleep

 

5 Comments

Filed under ... in bed, Drawings

Conversations in bed … random babbling

For those who may not have read my previous “conversations in bed” posts

like this one – Conversations in bed: Your guys suck at Star Wars.

or this one – Conversations in bed: Cats are punny.

I have a very difficult time falling asleep most nights.  I also have adult A.D.H.D. and like to talk … a lot.  All of this typically culminates in me annoying Andy until either he falls asleep despite my chattering or I wander off to fall asleep on the couch while watching Family Guy.  Here are a few of last night’s bedtime story gems.

Me: I was thinking, if I had a kid named Jubal, I think I’d make his middle name Lee.  I mean, why not?  If you’re going to stick a kid with with a name like Jubal, may as well go for broke and make him Jubilee.  Lamest mutant ever, by the way.  Ohhh, fireworks.  Stupid.

Andy: You were just thinking about what you would make the middle name of a theoretical kid you don’t plan on having based on a first name you don’t like anyway?

Me: Yup, that and a X-Men character I don’t like.  The name “X-Men” is a bit sexist, don’t you think?  There were plenty of X-Women.  Really cool X-Women at that.

Andy:  (ignores me and tries to fall asleep.  Somewhere in the house his phone says “droid”)

Me: Phone’s droidin’, dude.

Andy: mumble charging mumble

Me: I think if I have to go into practice by myself, and open my own law firm, I think I should legally change my last name to Droid but spell it like a last name, like D – R – O – Y – D or something.  Then, on my sign and business cards and ads and stuff, I can put “Droyd Law Office, this IS the Droyd you’re looking for”

Andy: Why do I let you speak?

Me: Seriously, you know what kind of cool clientele I’d get?  I’d have the best clients ever.

Andy: I don’t really think it works like that.

Me: COME ON! If you needed an attorney and were looking through the yellow pages or Google or whatever and you saw “Droyd Law Office, this IS the Droyd you’re looking for” would you continue to browse attorneys?  Heck no!  You’d be like, ‘Frick yeah!  This attorney is AWESOME!”.  This is pure gold here!  I could get elected to office with a slogan like that.

Andy: snnnnnnn

Me: Fine!  You know, you used to share my vision.

Andy: snnnnnn (if you’ve ever heard Andy snore, you know this is dead on how he sounds)

Me: sigh Family Guy it is.

1 Comment

Filed under ... in bed