Tag Archives: silliness

Now Weird Science is stuck in my head

My dog is so fragging weird!  I put a bra on her head and she liked it.  She wore it all day until I finally took it off of her myself.

I don’t even know what else to say about this other than …

(Weird science)
Plastic tubes and pots and pans
Bits and pieces and
Magic from the hand
We’re makin’

(Weird science)
Things I’ve never seen before
Behind bolted doors
Talent and imagination

(Weird science)

You’re welcome.

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EPIC Weekend (part 2) More gaming con shenanigans

The second installment in the story of my epic weekend at Origins Game Fair.  If you missed part 1, we revese photo-bombed Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day, played board games with Grant Wilson, and drank rum with a modern day pirate.  You should check it out… but you don’t have to.  This posts does fine as a stand-alone.

Wherein I peddled some wares…

Sleep was fail.  I had to be at the vendor hall early because I had a load of my friend Kace’s patchwork skirts in my car and had to get them to Journeyman Leather so they could be sold.  If you’re in Ohio this fall you should come see us at Silver Squirrel at the Ohio Rennaisance Festival.  You should also buy a skirt while you’re there because they are beautiful, you can wear them year round, and they’re guaranteed to match everything in your closet.  (Can you tell I’ve been doing that pitch for 7 years?)

Wherein I was nearly exterminated …

While delivering skirts I discovered there was a Doctor Who booth run by Who North America which is semi-local (within a reasonable drive if I have other plans in the area type deal) and I was like how could practically everyone I know have been here for 3 days already and nobody thought to mention this?!?!  And then I was all like HOLY CRAP A DALEK! How did nobody think to tell me there was a Dalek here?!?!  … and also a Tardis but who doesn’t have a Tardis these days?

Wherein my cheese curds were disappointingly not squeaky…

After that it was off to lunch at North Market with a few friends.  Good food and good times were had by all.

Wherein my friends totally geek out …

While at lunch my friends Steve and Ofelia asked what I had planned for the day.  I said I had promised to go by and demo “Four Taverns” so I needed to go do that but otherwise I was free.  They said they’d like to demo the game too and could they tag along.  I said sure and off we went.

Turns out, Steve and Ofelia are huge Ghost Hunters fans and were hilariously star struck over meeting Grant Wilson.  They couldn’t stop grinning and taking pictures the whole time.  It was fun though and Grant was an awesome sport.  He even agreed to talk to Steve’s sister on the phone.

Look at Steve cheesin,! He was just a little excited. haha

While we were demoing “Four Taverns” no less than 15 people came by to see me.  It was awesome and I was reminded that at least once or twice a year I am surrounded by people who find me more awesome than awkward, and I am totally okay with that.  As for the game, it’s great and I’m going to post a review today or tomorrow. Please check it out. If you can’t wait that long, here’s a link to Rather Dashing Games. I was originally going to post the review here but this post is already a bit too long and Mike and Grant would probably rather have a review in which I’m not also geeking over Daleks and talking about nipple juju anyway.

Wherein Ofelia loves you, man …

Moving on… Saturday was also Ofelia’s birthday and you can’t have a birthday at a con without your friends getting you drunk.  Con’s, however, aren’t like Vegas.  What happens at cons ends up photographed, videotaped, blogged, and otherwise spread all over the interwebz.  That said, here’s Ofelia drunk dialing everyone she knows while her husband videotaped it.  I’m not sure what she was talking about because it was loud where we were, but at one point I was put on the phone with her sister-in-law to explain why I was being mean to her in our game.

Wherein I discover the awesome evil power of my left nipple …

The game was Risk and I always think I want to play Risk but then I remember that I totally suck at rolling dice.  I don’t care what anyone says, dice rolling is a skill and it’s a skill I don’t possess.  I even got personalized dice with my name on them.  It didn’t help.  Those dice hate me the most of all dice and it makes me sad.  I also suck at playing green no matter what the game.  I don’t know why, I just suck at green.

Anyway, we were playing Risk and Steve’s teenaged nephew was kicking my butt and I was about to die and be out of the game when it came to me.  Andy does this thing where, when he needs a good roll he rubs his dice on his nipples.  The sad thing is, it works.  This is like the whole sucking at dice and green thing.  I don’t know what weird forces rule the gaming universe.  I do know, however, that nipples are like little portals or beacons of power or something that link the gaming forces to our mortal world.

For reasons I won’t go into my left nipple is evil.  It occurred to me that if I could properly harness this power, I could sabotage everyone else’s rolls and catch back up in the game.  So, before the child could attack me again, I grabbed his dice and rubbed them on my left nipple while singing the evil nipple song (which I made up as I went).  I then made weird jinxing hand motions from my left nipple to the board and handed Michael back his dice.  He rolled all 1’s.  It was doubly awesome because 1’s totally look like nipples.  Maybe that’s why nipples are beacons through which game powers are channeled?  hmmmm

The amazing thing was, he couldn’t stop rolling 1’s.  Roll after roll 1’s kept coming up until the poor boy screamed “What have you done to these dice?!?!  Take it back!  You have to take it back!”  You don’t want to mess with my evil nipple.  It’s bad news.

So you might be thinking there’s a flaw in my bad nipple juju strategy in that I will eventually have to roll those same dice to defend my dudes.  Not so.  You see, the universe must remain in balance so for every evil nipple there must also be a good nipple.  I’m pretty sure that’s a Taoist principle.

good nipple

Believe it or not the powers of the gaming universe being channeled through my nipples was so powerful that not only did I not die, I came back and won the game!  and then I wrote “nipple” on the board.  True story.

So that’s how I spent day 2 at Origins.  I saw lots of other people and did lots of other things but it wasn’t any of those people’s birthdays so whatever, they got left out.

Please tune in tomorrow for my review of “Four Taverns” and a few more pics from the con.  G’night everybody.

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That’s probably roadworthy, I think

What do you do when you’re broke and your teenage daughter wrecks her car?

Why, you put it back together with bungies and tape and send her on her way, that’s what.

Responsible parent right here!  And people think teen moms can’t ever get their crap together.  Psh.

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Filed under Just a day in my life., pictures

Conversations in bed … random babbling

For those who may not have read my previous “conversations in bed” posts

like this one – Conversations in bed: Your guys suck at Star Wars.

or this one – Conversations in bed: Cats are punny.

I have a very difficult time falling asleep most nights.  I also have adult A.D.H.D. and like to talk … a lot.  All of this typically culminates in me annoying Andy until either he falls asleep despite my chattering or I wander off to fall asleep on the couch while watching Family Guy.  Here are a few of last night’s bedtime story gems.

Me: I was thinking, if I had a kid named Jubal, I think I’d make his middle name Lee.  I mean, why not?  If you’re going to stick a kid with with a name like Jubal, may as well go for broke and make him Jubilee.  Lamest mutant ever, by the way.  Ohhh, fireworks.  Stupid.

Andy: You were just thinking about what you would make the middle name of a theoretical kid you don’t plan on having based on a first name you don’t like anyway?

Me: Yup, that and a X-Men character I don’t like.  The name “X-Men” is a bit sexist, don’t you think?  There were plenty of X-Women.  Really cool X-Women at that.

Andy:  (ignores me and tries to fall asleep.  Somewhere in the house his phone says “droid”)

Me: Phone’s droidin’, dude.

Andy: mumble charging mumble

Me: I think if I have to go into practice by myself, and open my own law firm, I think I should legally change my last name to Droid but spell it like a last name, like D – R – O – Y – D or something.  Then, on my sign and business cards and ads and stuff, I can put “Droyd Law Office, this IS the Droyd you’re looking for”

Andy: Why do I let you speak?

Me: Seriously, you know what kind of cool clientele I’d get?  I’d have the best clients ever.

Andy: I don’t really think it works like that.

Me: COME ON! If you needed an attorney and were looking through the yellow pages or Google or whatever and you saw “Droyd Law Office, this IS the Droyd you’re looking for” would you continue to browse attorneys?  Heck no!  You’d be like, ‘Frick yeah!  This attorney is AWESOME!”.  This is pure gold here!  I could get elected to office with a slogan like that.

Andy: snnnnnnn

Me: Fine!  You know, you used to share my vision.

Andy: snnnnnn (if you’ve ever heard Andy snore, you know this is dead on how he sounds)

Me: sigh Family Guy it is.

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wiener cheese

EDIT: years later I sort of regret writing this. It was in jest at the time, but I seriously am very anti-circumcision. It’s cosmetic genital mutilation and it’s not okay. I’m leaving the post up but please know, I am in no way intending to reinforce stupid rationales for preforming unnecessary cosmetic surgery on infants.

Lamey: I don’t know why, but I find the 10th Doctor really attractive.  I think it’s his mannerisms.

Me: He’s too skinny AND he’s European so he’s likely uncircumcised.  I for one am glad we’ve adopted a draconian and barbaric custom of mutilating the genitals of baby boys in this country.  Uncircumcised wieners look like big ‘ol slugs.  I don’t want to see that coming at me.  Ugh.

Lamey: They are ugly, but not that bad so long as the guy is clean and takes care of his junk.

Me: Ewwww  wiener cheese!

Lamey: Haha  wiener cheese always makes me picture that stereotypical wedge of cartoon swiss.  I just imagine some guy walking around with swiss wedges falling out his pant leg and them lying all over the floor.

We laughed and went back to watching Doctor Who.  Lamey was folding laundry.  Then I remembered Andy had a foam block of cartoony swiss in the cabinet behind me.  (He’s a Packers fan.  We just have these things lying around)  So I reached behind me and found the foam cheese.  Then placed it on the table in the middle of Lamey’s folded laundry when she wasn’t looking.  She literally almost peed when she saw it.

That all happened last week, but for some reason I thought about it again this morning.  Not being one to let a joke die, I grabbed my camera and Andy’s cheesehead and proceeded to blow up Lamey’s facebook wall with wiener cheese photos.  I had such a good time creating them, I decided to share with my lovely blog reading audience.  So, without further ado, an album I like to call, “dirty house guest”.

In case you’re wondering, I wiped down the toilet seat with a Clorox wipe first.

It’s a little ridiculous the lengths I’ll go to for a laugh, even when I’m the only one laughing.

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Conversations in bed … bad cat jokes

I’ve been narcoleptic for a couple of weeks.  Not literally, but I have been fighting some nasty sinus crud and I suspect my blood pressure is high so by 7 PM or so I can barely keep my eyes open.  This has probably been a very good thing in Andy’s opinion because he hasn’t had to deal with my usual bedtime shenanigans.  Last night, however, I went to bed and Andy promptly began bothering me.  Well, he asked for it.

Andy HATES bad punny jokes.  I, on the other hand, LOVE bad jokes.  The more moan inducingly bad the better.  I revel in coming up with jokes to make Andy tell me I’m fired, or he’s done with me, or whatever.  The best part about torturing Andy with bad jokes is that he’ll laugh, and then hate himself for laughing.   It’s like having my very own one man Statler and Waldorf.  It’s fantastic!

So last night Andy was bothering me and I made some bad joke that I can’t remember now just as the cat was jumping up on the bed.

Andy: Ugh, why do I talk to you.  I should know you’re just going to come back with some horrible pun.

Me: It wasn’t me.  It was the cat.

Andy: Cats don’t make bad puns.

Me: Not true.  You just don’t notice them. You know why this cat doesn’t speak to you?

Andy: Why? (See what I did there?  He really sets himself up)

Me: He’s MEW-t

Andy: Moan

Me: Not really.  You want to know the real reason?

Andy: sigh why?

Me: There’s nothing MEWs-worthy to talk about.

(Andy rolls over so his back is to me.  I get closer to his ear)

Me: Hey, you know why the cat crossed the road?

Andy: giggles why?

Me: He was chasing a MEOW-se.

Andy: That was terrible!

Me: Don’t blame me, it was the cat.  I’m just translating.  I told you, cats make the worst puns.

Andy: Then I’m done with both of you.

Me: Why me?  It’s not my fault the cat is MEW-sless .

Andy: giggle That’s it.  I’m kicking you out.

Me: (moving the cat’s mouth to make it look like he’s talking) Oh no!  I’m afraid of outside! Where will I go?

Andy: The cat can stay until you find a new place.

Cat: Hooray!

Me: Will you help us MEWve?

Andy: I think they’re getting worse!

Me: I can do this all night, you know.

Andy: Yes, I know.  Coming up with horrible punny jokes is like your super power.

Me: I told you, it’s not me, it’s the CAT!  You know who the cat wants to vote for in the primaries?

Andy: (pretends like he is ignoring me)

Me: MEWt Gingrich

Andy: That was really awful

Me: It IS awful!  What a terrible choice.  It’s a good thing cats can’t vote.

Andy: sigh goodnight

Me: Awww are you un-aMEWsed?

Andy: Done now.  We’re done.  Goodnight.

I would have kept going but the cat was also done with me at that point and ran away.

Poor punny cat.  Haters gonna hate.

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Why many of my board games contain butt plugs

My sporadic, semi-bi-weekly  board game night started primarily because I was bored and didn’t really have any board games.  What I did have though, thanks to my uber-nerd boyfriend, was a basement devoted entirely to gaming and several friends who owned board games.  To paraphrase Field of Dreams, if you invite them, they will come.  BYOBG

I also had, for a time, a certain Ork named Bull living in my basement.  Okay, Bull’s not really and Ork but he likes to dress like one at cons and apparently there’s a Shadowrun character named after him or something like that.  Anyway, Bull the basement Ork had a copy of Settlers of Catan with a 6 player expansion that my group was quite fond of playing.  If you’ve read my post about wieners and boobs, I’m sure you’re not surprised that we enjoy a game where you get to say “Does anyone have wood for sheep?”. (hehehe that never stops being funny)

If you’ve played any of the Catan games you know there’s a “bandit” that looks like this:

Lets be honest, even unaltered the bandit looks a little like a butt plug.  Bull, however, put a little cap on his, which made it look pretty much entirely like a butt plug.  Sadly, the actual game piece has been lost so I drew a this picture.

The first time Bull broke out his Catan game, the conversation went something like this:

Me: Haha!  Dude, why is there a butt plug in your Catan game?

Bull: It’s a little helmet.  My old gaming group thought it looked like Vader.

Me: I don’t think Vader looks like a butt plug.  That’s totally a butt plug.

Everyone else agreed.  Bull was embarrassed and, being the jerks that we all are, Bull being embarrassed was really funny.  So, of course, we all had to continue to call it a butt plug just to make Bull indignant.

Typical game night.

Before I continue, it occurs to me that maybe some of my reading audience is unfamiliar with what a butt plug looks like.

Well, there are lots of different kinds, but here are a couple of examples.

Slight digression: While I was looking for pictures of butt plugs to go into this post, I ran across a sculpture, there are several of them actually as well as giant inflatables and chocolate replicas.  The sculptures are in the Netherlands and were made by an American artist named Paul McCarthy.  The sculpture is called, and I swear I’m not making this up, “Santa with a butt plug”.  Feel free to google it if you don’t believe me.  Here’s the sculpture:

Apparently it’s a statement about extreme consumerism associated with Christmas.  Haha.  I hate Christmas about as much as a person can but … yeah.  I’ve got nothing.

End digression.

So calling the Catan bandit a butt plug has had the amusing side effect that any game piece that is even remotely similar to the Catan bandit has now been dubbed a butt plug.  Some of these are a huge stretch too (no pun intended).  Probably the biggest stretch is the King’s Envoy, which Andy mistakenly called “the King’s favor” once, which made me laugh so hard I nearly peed.  The King’s Envoy looks absolutely nothing like a butt plug but we call it one anyway.  I recently heard that another associated gaming group calls it a butt plug now too.  I’m an influential person that way.  haha

This is the King’s Envoy.  It is definitely the least butt plug like of all of our gaming butt plugs.

The other unintended side effect is that people who play board games with my group tend to pick up the habit of calling game pieces butt plugs.  I didn’t really realize this was a problem until 2 Thanksgivings ago when I took Settlers of Catan to my mom’s holiday dinner.

The problem wasn’t that family members were shocked by talk of butt plugs.  We’re a weird family and that’s nowhere near the oddest thing to come up in holiday conversation.  The problem was that kids tend to repeat things.

My brother and his girlfriend had played the game with me before so I thought it would be fun.  I set it up and my brother Dave, his girlfriend Sandra, her then 7 year old son Dylan, Andy and I all began playing a game.  Since Dylan was playing I was being careful to call the butt plug a bandit.  My brother, however, was not so subtle.

Me: Oh! 7.  You get to move the bu … bandit.

Dave: What? Oh, you mean the butt plug?

Me: Sigh, yes, it’s actually called a bandit.

Dave: Whatever.  Give me the butt plug.

(a few turns later)

Dylan: 7! I get to move the butt plug!  I’m going to butt plug you, Mom!

Me: Haha, way to go Dave.

Dave: What?  He doesn’t know what it means.

Me: Which is exactly why he’s going to go to school and talk about the game he played with a bunch of adults and a butt plug.

As far as I know he didn’t go to school talking about butt plugs, but my daughter did.

My daughter is away at college so, like all kids her age, she and her friends decided to check out a sex shop.  While wandering the isles, my lovely daughter announced, “Hey! butt plugs!  So this is what my mom is always talking about.”  Yeah, so now I’m the weirdo mom.

Regardless of the implications, the butt plug trend continues.  Go forth, roll a 7, and butt plug some sheep.  It feels good and you’ll feel good doing it.

Hmmm … I should make t-shirts for my zazzle shop!

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