Tag Archives: pets

Of preganacy and pee, neither of which was mine

I think maybe all that good karma I’ve been building up for the past several years might finally be paying off. Today while I was at the law firm management class the senior attorney sent me to in his place, the associate attorney in my firm announced that she’s pregnant. Innntersting.

For those unaware of my employment situation, I went to law school, failed the bar exam, and have been basically temping in a firm for the last year while waiting to take the exam again and get my results back.

Also, in case you were unaware, the legal job market is among the worst of all the job markets right now due to a rash of universities opening law schools within the past 20 years or so because they realized there’s a lot of money to be made from running law schools.  Ohio has 9 law schools.  It’s pretty ridiculous.  Almost nobody lands a job at a firm right out of law school anymore.  Many are lucky to land a job at a firm at all.  The stats for lawyers who never actually practice law is staggering.

To go to a bottom tier law school, not do law review or moot court, not work in the legal field while in school, graduate well below the top third of the class and land a job at a firm out of law school is unheard of in this environment.  Add to that the fact that I was both female and a non-traditional student (old) and all things considered, I came out of law school completely doomed.  Sadly, failing the bar and temping for a year was probably the best thing that possibly could have happened to me.

I’m not going to jinx myself by assuming the associate being pregnant means anything for me at all.  It might mean nothing and even if it means something the something might not be all that great.  If I am offered any sort of position at all it could be only slightly better than solo practice.  I could be allowed to rent office space, be paid a percentage of my work in exchange for being allowed to stay for a set period of time, there are loads of possibilities.  I may also be sent out into the world with some experience under my belt, an office management class, and a nice letter of recommendation.  That’s fine too because frankly, I have resigned myself to probable solo practice and gotten comfortable with the idea. So whatever happens (beyond me failing the bar again, oh dear flying spaghetti monster no!) I feel like I’m ready for whatever.

That said, it’s not all sunshine and roses.  After a year of temping following 2 years of being a full time student, we’ve pushed so much to the back burner that half of it has fallen off the back of the stove.  Little things morph so easily into huge inconveniences.  For example, my animals got fleas which we’ve been trying to get rid of on a shoestring budget.  I came home today to discover my cat apparently peed in my closet last week following the great flea bath debacle of 2012.  That was a week ago, I think, or was it 2 weeks?  It all runs together when you’re working 7 days a week.  (Second weekend temp job) Anyway, it evidently took a nice warm, humid, rainy day for the smell to finally get strong enough for me to notice it.  That and the closet was shut all day and I think most of the time we leave it open.  There’s also the possibility that it was new pee.  If it was new though it was added to some old pee because when I finally found the source of the smell, I also discovered it had already molded.  Mmmm moldy cat pee.  I thought for a minute the bathtub had leaked through the wall but after a lengthy inspection by the light of a lightsaber, I’ve determined there’s no sign of moisture on the bathtub side.  It was definitely the pee.  I’m hoping it was old unnoticed flea bath debacle pee because frankly, I just can’t deal with a sneak pee’er on top of everything else.  Sigh.

I won’t even go into the flea bath debacle, I’ll just say, I feel like overall, I should really probably have better Karma than this.

So it should be coming my way then … right?

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Now Weird Science is stuck in my head

My dog is so fragging weird!  I put a bra on her head and she liked it.  She wore it all day until I finally took it off of her myself.

I don’t even know what else to say about this other than …

(Weird science)
Plastic tubes and pots and pans
Bits and pieces and
Magic from the hand
We’re makin’

(Weird science)
Things I’ve never seen before
Behind bolted doors
Talent and imagination

(Weird science)

You’re welcome.

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Wondering how my daughter will survive in the wild…

or why did I pay to send you to all those expensive schools?
Yes the bar exam is mere days away and I should be studying, but I had to post this one.

I have invested a lot of time, money, energy, research, etc. to send my daughter to the very best schools.  Shocking for a former teen mom, I know.  Just one of the many ways I’m not typical.  When she was in grade school, I got up early every day and drove her across town to the best ranked school in the area where I paid a small fortune in out-of-district tuition, volunteered in the classroom, worked part-time in the cafeteria as a second job, ran the annual talent show, and coached my daughter’s creative problem solving team.

When she got into high school, we decided our small Kentucky school didn’t have a lot to offer outside of academics, so we moved to one of the best school districts in Ohio.  Here I don’t have to pay out of district tuition.  Instead I pay a small fortune for the privilege of living in one of the best school districts in Ohio.

My daughter is now going into her sophomore year of college at one of the top ranked schools in the country for her chosen profession, which is also a very expensive private school.  You get the picture.

So given that I have made a very serious point to make sure my daughter has had some of the best education the Midwest has to offer, I just LOVE it when she comes out with gems like this:

Andy to me (in the kitchen): Gracie (our dog) got hold of a pack of tortillas off the counter again.  I think we’re going to have to sell her to gypsies.

Me: We always threaten her with gypsies.  I think we need to go with something more plausible like … humane euthanization.

Andy: I think euthanasia is a bit harsh for the crime of tortilla theft.

Me to daughter (in living room): Gracie got tortillas again.  Do you think we should sell her to gypsies, or just have her humanely euthanized?

Daughter: Gypsies.  Nobody deserves euthanasia!  How would you do that humanely anyway?

Me: Ummm give her a shot that makes her fall asleep and never wake up or put her in a room with gas that makes her fall asleep and never wake up.  The same ways they always humanely euthanize animals.

Daughter: Wait.  What?  I thought euthanize meant you tie ropes to someone arms and legs and then have them pulled apart by goats.

Me: Haha goats?  Why goats?

Daughter: Wait, no, I think I meant to say horses or oxes or something.

Me: Hold on, are you being serious right now?

Daughter: Yeah.  I thought euthanize was when you tie ropes to someone and have them pulled apart by horses or whatever.

Me: Whatever like GOATS?  I’m pretty sure goats trying to pull you apart would just make you say, “stop it goats.  You suck.”

Andy: I’m pretty sure goats would just eat the ropes.  That’s called being drawn and quartered.  How in the world did you confuse being drawn and quartered with euthanasia?

Me: by goats!

Daughter: I don’t know.  Why would I know about humane euthanization anyway?

Me: Why did I send you to all those expensive schools?!?!

Daughter: Clearly not so they could teach me about euthanasia.  When would that even come up?

Me: When would drawing and quartering by goats come up.

Daughter: Oh my god, mom.  I meant to say ox, not goat.

I’m not really sure how basic farm animal confusion makes it better.  Oh, and for the record, my dog’s life was in no real danger.  I figure it’s okay to make idle threats against her life because she doesn’t speak English anyway.

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A letter to my fur kids

Dear animals,

Thank you for once again waking me up at 6:00 AM on my day off.  I’d obviously much rather dish out kibble and walk dogs than relax and sleep in on the rare occasion that I actually have the opportunity to do so.  Oh and while we’re on the subject, thanks for waking me up an hour before my alarm goes off during the week too. I’m glad to see letting you out later and giving you late night snacks has had zero affect on your internal clocks.

I know this is the cross I chose to bear when I got suckered in by your respective sad stories and brought you home for a better life.  It’s fine.  All I ask is this, when I eventually fall over dead from hypertension from never being allowed to sleep or relax, please don’t eat my corpse.  I’m an organ donor.

Yes, Mr. Annoying Pants, I’m talking to you.

Love,

The only light sleeper in this entire stinking house

A/K/A Mommy

OKAY, I’ll throw your toy now!  Jeesh.

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June 9, 2012 · 9:36 am