Tag Archives: In bed

Sometimes we take it too far … in bed

Warning: this post is probably offensive to most.  It is an example of why my relationship with Andy works so well and also why no one else would have either of us.  If you’re offended, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If you are my daughter or some other child who thinks of me like a mom, you’ll probably want to skip this one too.
Last week while lying in bed…

Me: OMG this is seriously the worst period I’ve ever had.  I’m beginning to wonder if I miscarried or something.

Andy: Well if you miscarried I guess  that’s a good thing since we can’t agree on baby names anyway.

Me: Rory for a boy or a girl is a cute name, I don’t care what you say.

Andy: I’ve told you, my family has a name scheme.  I have to keep with the tradition.

Me: Your tradition involves naming any future son I have my ex-husband’s first name.  That shouldn’t be okay with you.  Besides, you’re adopted anyway, so your traditions don’t even count.

Andy: Why you gotta make fun of me for being adopted?

Me: Oh I’m a poor adopted kid whose parents actually wanted me enough to spend a bunch of time, hassle, and money to get me.  I was a teenage accident whose parents were too irresponsible to even put me up for adoption.  Suck on that a while.

Me: Okay, seriously, I’m pretty sure I’m dying.

Andy: You’re not dying.  You just killed my baby, that’s all.

Me: *giggle* You seriously went there! (whacks him with a pillow) I’m going to bed.

So yeah, I think maybe sometimes we go too far.  But the thing is, we know us well enough to know that sometimes, a joke is just a joke.  Learn to take a joke people.  Life’s too short.

 

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Conversations in bed … random babbling

For those who may not have read my previous “conversations in bed” posts

like this one – Conversations in bed: Your guys suck at Star Wars.

or this one – Conversations in bed: Cats are punny.

I have a very difficult time falling asleep most nights.  I also have adult A.D.H.D. and like to talk … a lot.  All of this typically culminates in me annoying Andy until either he falls asleep despite my chattering or I wander off to fall asleep on the couch while watching Family Guy.  Here are a few of last night’s bedtime story gems.

Me: I was thinking, if I had a kid named Jubal, I think I’d make his middle name Lee.  I mean, why not?  If you’re going to stick a kid with with a name like Jubal, may as well go for broke and make him Jubilee.  Lamest mutant ever, by the way.  Ohhh, fireworks.  Stupid.

Andy: You were just thinking about what you would make the middle name of a theoretical kid you don’t plan on having based on a first name you don’t like anyway?

Me: Yup, that and a X-Men character I don’t like.  The name “X-Men” is a bit sexist, don’t you think?  There were plenty of X-Women.  Really cool X-Women at that.

Andy:  (ignores me and tries to fall asleep.  Somewhere in the house his phone says “droid”)

Me: Phone’s droidin’, dude.

Andy: mumble charging mumble

Me: I think if I have to go into practice by myself, and open my own law firm, I think I should legally change my last name to Droid but spell it like a last name, like D – R – O – Y – D or something.  Then, on my sign and business cards and ads and stuff, I can put “Droyd Law Office, this IS the Droyd you’re looking for”

Andy: Why do I let you speak?

Me: Seriously, you know what kind of cool clientele I’d get?  I’d have the best clients ever.

Andy: I don’t really think it works like that.

Me: COME ON! If you needed an attorney and were looking through the yellow pages or Google or whatever and you saw “Droyd Law Office, this IS the Droyd you’re looking for” would you continue to browse attorneys?  Heck no!  You’d be like, ‘Frick yeah!  This attorney is AWESOME!”.  This is pure gold here!  I could get elected to office with a slogan like that.

Andy: snnnnnnn

Me: Fine!  You know, you used to share my vision.

Andy: snnnnnn (if you’ve ever heard Andy snore, you know this is dead on how he sounds)

Me: sigh Family Guy it is.

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Conversations in bed … bad cat jokes

I’ve been narcoleptic for a couple of weeks.  Not literally, but I have been fighting some nasty sinus crud and I suspect my blood pressure is high so by 7 PM or so I can barely keep my eyes open.  This has probably been a very good thing in Andy’s opinion because he hasn’t had to deal with my usual bedtime shenanigans.  Last night, however, I went to bed and Andy promptly began bothering me.  Well, he asked for it.

Andy HATES bad punny jokes.  I, on the other hand, LOVE bad jokes.  The more moan inducingly bad the better.  I revel in coming up with jokes to make Andy tell me I’m fired, or he’s done with me, or whatever.  The best part about torturing Andy with bad jokes is that he’ll laugh, and then hate himself for laughing.   It’s like having my very own one man Statler and Waldorf.  It’s fantastic!

So last night Andy was bothering me and I made some bad joke that I can’t remember now just as the cat was jumping up on the bed.

Andy: Ugh, why do I talk to you.  I should know you’re just going to come back with some horrible pun.

Me: It wasn’t me.  It was the cat.

Andy: Cats don’t make bad puns.

Me: Not true.  You just don’t notice them. You know why this cat doesn’t speak to you?

Andy: Why? (See what I did there?  He really sets himself up)

Me: He’s MEW-t

Andy: Moan

Me: Not really.  You want to know the real reason?

Andy: sigh why?

Me: There’s nothing MEWs-worthy to talk about.

(Andy rolls over so his back is to me.  I get closer to his ear)

Me: Hey, you know why the cat crossed the road?

Andy: giggles why?

Me: He was chasing a MEOW-se.

Andy: That was terrible!

Me: Don’t blame me, it was the cat.  I’m just translating.  I told you, cats make the worst puns.

Andy: Then I’m done with both of you.

Me: Why me?  It’s not my fault the cat is MEW-sless .

Andy: giggle That’s it.  I’m kicking you out.

Me: (moving the cat’s mouth to make it look like he’s talking) Oh no!  I’m afraid of outside! Where will I go?

Andy: The cat can stay until you find a new place.

Cat: Hooray!

Me: Will you help us MEWve?

Andy: I think they’re getting worse!

Me: I can do this all night, you know.

Andy: Yes, I know.  Coming up with horrible punny jokes is like your super power.

Me: I told you, it’s not me, it’s the CAT!  You know who the cat wants to vote for in the primaries?

Andy: (pretends like he is ignoring me)

Me: MEWt Gingrich

Andy: That was really awful

Me: It IS awful!  What a terrible choice.  It’s a good thing cats can’t vote.

Andy: sigh goodnight

Me: Awww are you un-aMEWsed?

Andy: Done now.  We’re done.  Goodnight.

I would have kept going but the cat was also done with me at that point and ran away.

Poor punny cat.  Haters gonna hate.

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Conversations in bed: Your guys suck at Star Wars

I have a really hard time falling asleep.  The problem is, I am really easily bored and lets face it, just lying in bed waiting to fall asleep is almost as boring as watching televised sports.  So I lay there and my brain starts trying to entertain itself.  Much to Andy’s chagrin, my mouth is all too willing to follow its lead.  This is just a little taste of the night time gems with which I keep Andy awake.

Bear in mind, I’ve never actually played a tabletop RPG so I am completely talking out of my butt here.  I really have no clue how these things work aside from knowing there’s a lot of reading and dice rolling involved.

Me: Soooo, you’re playing this Star Wars RPG.  If I decided to play, how much reading would be involved?

Andy: None really.  You know the universe and the characters.  We could explain the rules.

Me: I don’t know Star Wars THAT well.  I’m only a casual fan.  I don’t mind some reading though.  I just find reading rules to be mind numbingly dull.  (Here’s where I should mention I went to law school.  Probably a poor career choice for someone so adverse to reading rules that I won’t even play RPG’s)  The only reason I’m even considering Star Wars is because the books I’ve seen lying around aren’t very thick.  I could maybe suffer through them.

Andy:  That’d be cool.  We’re still getting it together right now anyway.  None of the guys want to play the tech.  You sort of need someone with tech skills for ship repairs and hacking and stuff.

Me: So get an R2 unit.  Problem solved.  Your guys suck at Star Wars.

Andy: The problem is, you need money to buy droids.  I don’t think they could afford it.

Me: So make your first mission be on Tattooine, find a Jawa Sandcrawler and buy some piece of crap used R2.  They could chip in or something.

Andy: Even used droids cost money.

Me: Is there a rule for bargain basement, barely functional, you have to wheel it around on a dolly because it’s not even mobile droids?

Andy: No.

Me: Well there should be.  I saw episode IV and those Jawas had some real pieces of crap out there for sale.

Andy: Well there’s not.  Chester wants to play a droid, but not that kind.

Here’s where I decided that Chester, who I vaguely understand to like chaos characters, which I very vaguely understand, should play a Mandalorian, which I have very little knowledge of, because they don’t form strong alliances from what I understand so in my reasoning they could be played very chaotically if the player so chose.  Even though I really didn’t know what I was talking about, I still argued very vehemently for about 15 minutes.  Why not?  It’s not like anybody’s trying to sleep or anything.

Skipping ahead…

Me: If I play, I just want to play a wookie.  On all my turns I’ll just say Rrrrraaaaaaawwwwwwwrrrrrr and occasionally rip someone’s arms off.  It’ll go like this: You: It’s your turn.  What do you want to do?  Me: rrrrrrrraaaaaaaaawwwwwrrrr rooor rawwww ooooorrrrr roar.  You: No, seriously.  Me:  Rawww rrrr rawrr roooooo raaaaahhhh raaaaawwww.  You: Ok, fine.  Roll the dice.  Me: The wookie doesn’t want to roll the dice.  It’s best to just let the wookie win.

Andy: Why do I talk to you again?

Me: rawwwwrrrrr

Andy: I’m going to sleep.

Me: Guess what?

Andy: You’re going to fart?

Me:  Nope.  Just rrrrrraaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrr

Andy: I’m done talking to you.  Go to sleep.

By then it was after midnight and Andy has to be up at 7 AM so I decided to shut up and read for a while.

And this is why I am the best best girlfriend ever.

The End.

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