Tag Archives: embarrassing

Um, this isn’t as weird as it looks

Andy: (putting vacuum cleaner away in closet adjacent to room) … O_o

Me: Okay, this isn’t as weird as it looks.

Andy: It looks like you’re playing Words with Friends in the nude.

Me: Well, I am, but I’m playing against my cousin.

Andy: Okay, that’s actually weirder than it looks.

Me: No, see, I was getting in the shower and I heard Words with Friends chime so I came in here to mute it so it wouldn’t be annoying but then I decided to go ahead and take my turn and then I saw on facebook that my friend’s wife had a baby and I was like “awesome! I didn’t even know they were expecting” and … well … I was getting ready to get in the shower.

Andy: I’m pretty sure you crossed all sorts of weird lines right there.

Me: Well it’s not like I have a webcam.

Andy:  Sigh … (wanders away)

This is why people with A.D.H.D. shouldn’t multitask.

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Come one come all, see the bizarre 1 nippled woman

Some time around puberty I came to realize that I do not understand girls.  I was always a tomboy and preferred hotwheels and Star Wars toys to playing house or whatever it is that girls do.  I did have girl friends as a kid though . Well, up until the point my contemporaries became interested in clothes and shopping and being two-faced and judgmental and then I just decided that I just wasn’t really much of a girl.  For much of high school and through my 20’s I just didn’t really have many friends in general.  I had a few and they are wonderful and loyal and had been my friends since childhood so they were safe and comfortable and it was fine.

At around 30 I discovered that I do quite well as one of the guys.  So for the past 8 years or so I’ve made loads of friends, most of which have wieners.  I was totally okay with that except when some guy would bring his wife or girlfriend around under some misguided belief that my being there would somehow make her feel more comfortable.  This just served to enhance both my fear of girls and my fear of meeting new people.  With that in mind, I decided I needed to conquer my fear of girls.

My local game and comic shop decided to start a girls night about 6 months ago.  I figured a game and comic shop was a good place to start, so I started going when I have time.  I still feel a bit out of my element and painfully aware of my awkwardness, even with a group of girls who hang out in a game and comic shop, but the girls are all very nice and even though I am the token old chick in the group, I like them.

Last night a few of us had a holiday get together.  Within 10 minutes of being there my awkwardness came out in full force.  Someone said something about nipples and I chimed in with “I only have one.”

Conversation stopped.  Everyone turned to me and someone asked, “one nipple?”  I responded that “yes, my left nipple is inverted” to which everyone became immediately fascinated.  One of the girls chimed in with “Well I’m curious.  I totally want to see that some time.” Then suddenly there was a chorus of agreement from the room and I heard myself say, “if you really want to see it I’ll show you.”

I kid you not, a room full of women leaned in and waited with bated breath.  It was like I was telling some fascinating story and they couldn’t wait to find out what was going to happen next.  Then I realized that since I hadn’t even been there long enough to sit down yet, I was standing with the girls sitting in a circle all around me, leaning in expectantly.  One girl even cleared her throat in a “we’re waiting, make with the nipple” sort of way.

I reached down my shirt, pulled my boob out, leaned forward and then displayed it in a circle around the room like a grade school teacher showing the class the picture in a book she is reading aloud.  A flurry of conversations and questions broke out and apparently my inverted nipple is fascinating as well as being sort of weird and horrible.  It is also a channel for bad dice rolling juju, but that is a different story.

I debated posting a picture of my inverted nipple here for the curious but then I decided that I do have some modestly and you people have google.  I’m not your mother, go look it up.  Plus I don’t really want my blog to be flagged as inverted nipple porn or something.  It’s bad enough that it frequently comes up in google searches involving “butt plugs”, “daughter butt plug” (why do so many people search for that?!?!?  Seriously!), “weiners”, and “boobs”.  Since I recently added a tag called “vagina jokes” and am adding “nipple” to this one, it’s probably just a matter of time before I get flagged for something anyway.

So I guess this story has two morals.  1- if you incidentally mention your daughter and butt plugs in the some post, weirdos will google your blog.  2 – don’t mention your mutant body parts in a room full of girls unless you are prepared to display them.

You’re welcome for both of these valuable life lessons.

 

 

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Filed under Board gamer lamer, Just a day in my life.

Well crap. Literally.

Apparently what happens if you eat a half dozen Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits and manage to survive the night is that you crap your pants at the grocery.  I really wish I was exaggerating a particularly nasty fart for comedic effect but nope, that happened. It was really more a shart than a full crap but yeah, outside of illness and too many laxatives, this is a horrific first for me.  Also, people often tell me that they love how I am so open and can just talk about myself so easily.  This is the down side to that right here.  I’m pretty sure most people don’t share these stories.  I’m also pretty sure Andy won’t be sharing this blog post.

In less disturbing news, I’d like to thank the hilarious Noodles & Company employee with no concept of volume control for making my lunch so entertaining.

I was craving Pad Thai today so I went to the snooty upscale shopping center half way between work and home.  Like many midwest snooty shopping centers it is always packed to the hilt with a bunch of cookie cutter white people.  There are business men and women, bored stay at home moms, and rich college kids in there mostly.  Nearly all of the employees look exactly like the customers and were it not for the name tags it would be hard to tell the employees from the patrons.  Today though, I walked into Noodles to find a tall, heavy-set black woman in the kitchen and a middle aged guy in a kilt in line in front of me.  Cool, I thought.  This place is finally diversifying a little.

As it turned out, it was even better than I could have hoped because the black woman – and let me say that no, I don’t say African American because not all black people are from Africa and because I have known people who are from Africa who are black, white, and brown so I just find the term unnecessary and inaccurate.  Black people know they’re black.  It’s okay to say so.  Anyway, this woman was hilarious and had absolutely no idea how well her voice carries.  The second the kilted guy was out of her view, and bear in mind, he hadn’t left, he was just no longer standing where she could see him she said:

Loud employee: HAHA!  DID Y’ALL SEE THAT MAN WEARIN’ A SKIRT?!?!

Another employee (probably aware the guy was still there): Oh, he was wearing a kilt.  Maybe he’s going play the bagpipes for us.

Loud employee: WANTS SOMEBODY TO PLAY WITH HIS BAG AND PIPE MORE LIKE!  HAHA!

Kilted guy headed deliberately toward the back door so as to stay out of sight of the employees conversing about him.  I was disappointed.  I was really hoping one of them would ask him if he’s wearing underwear.  Guys in kilts get that A LOT.  So much so that many of them will show you rather than answer the question.  That would have made my lunch perfect.

Other employee: (I couldn’t hear what she said but I am assuming it was something to the effect of can you or would you play bagpipes)

Loud employee: SHOOT NO!  I AIN’T GOT WIND FOR THAT.  I PLAY CLARINET AND VIOLIN THOUGH.

I’d beg to differ loud, funny lady.  I think you most certainly “have the wind for that”.

After that they got really busy so there was no more commentary from the kitchen.  I quickly became surrounded by the boring droning of the most vanilla of wealthy white people.  Then I remembered why I seldom go to the uppity shopping mall despite it being the closest place I can get Thai food.  I don’t really fit in with uppity white people.  I don’t really fit in with most people, if I am entirely honest.  I guess the nice thing about not fitting in anywhere though, is that I’ve kind of learned how to blend in most everywhere.  Well, so long as I don’t open my mouth.  If I have to open my mouth I’m much more like the loud Noodle lady.  I may stick out like a sore thumb, but hopefully I’m at least entertaining.

 

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Soooo I may have just flashed my neighbor

Yeah, that happened.

When I was getting in the shower this morning there was either a dead centipede or a wad of dog hair on the mat.  I couldn’t determine which and I didn’t want to look closer for fear of lapsing into some Lovecraftian monster induced madness, so I threw a towel over it and tried to pretend it wasn’t there.

I took my shower, put on Andy’s giant robe and went to let the dogs out.  As soon as I got outside though, it felt like something bit me so I squealed “Ahhh centipede” flung my robe open and began jumping, swatting, and shooing simultaneously before remembering I was in my yard wearing nothing but the robe I had just flung open.  Yeah.

Luckily it was 6:00 AM so most of my neighbors were probably asleep.  Less luckily I saw the neighbor directly  behind me let her dogs out just before I let mine out so I knew she was up.  Also her lights were on.  So I fixed my robe, stood on my back porch and squinted into my neighbor’s house to see if I could see her within seeing distance of me.  I’m not sure what I planned to do if she was though.

Then I realized that if she could see me, what she saw was me stand facing her place, rip my robe open, act all crazy, and then stare at her.  I’m hoping she doesn’t  call the police.  This will be pretty hard to explain.

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