Tag Archives: dorky

Well played, Swingline

In addition to becoming part owner of a retail business recently, I also opened a general practice law firm.  I know, right?  So in doing all of the tons of set up stuff I got a business credit card for the purchasing of the office supplies and whatnot.

My first purchase!

My first purchase!

My second purchase: a printer.  Seriously.

It gets better though.  When I got to the counter to pay for my red Swingline stapler (and yes, it’s full size despite looking oddly small in this picture) the clerk informed me that I got this little guy for free!

"The Legendary Red Stapler Ornament"

“The Legendary Red Stapler Ornament”

So now I have a little family of red Swingline staplers!
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When I got it home and started to open the packaging, I discovered this subtle marketing gem.

IMG_1290

Well played, Swingline. Well played.

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Apparently we’re fat AND co-dependent. Well that sucks.

Earlier today I was thinking about how it sucks that I have to work so much harder than Andy does to make less money than he does all because my vagina is being penalized. It’s not nearly as fun as it sounds.

Speaking of being screwed by your vagina (aka gender inequality) today when I came home from work and immediately cooked dinner like I always do not because anyone asks me to but because there’s a societal expectation that as a woman I am supposed to take care of the house and family and … WHOA! Sorry about that. I sent my daughter to a liberal arts school and clearly I’ve spent way too much time talking to her lately. I’m all for feminism, don’t get me wrong, but this is a post about co-dependent fat people.

What I was trying to say was, tonight I made a batch of Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits for dinner because Andy loves them and I love cooking things that make him happy. But he wants me to be happy too so he does things like eat way too many and then tell me I should eat more because he feels bad for eating too many and then I eat more because I feel like he has given me some permission I needed or something and then the next thing you know, we seriously ate an entire batch of cheese and butter filled dough. 14 biscuits, you guys.  I am not even exaggerating.  I’m fairly certain we aren’t going to make it until morning.  I think I can actually feel my arteries congealing as I type this.

The sad thing is, we do this crap all the time. Not just with food either, but with being lazy. Andy is very sedentary and constantly talks me into joining him in sedentary activities. I do it easily because I like spending time with him and the things we do together are fun. The thing is though, when Andy and I got together 7 years ago, I was strictly watching what I ate and exercising every day and he was controlling his portions and trying to make a point to be less sedentary. We have become locked in a co-dependent relationship where we are each dependent on the other to allow us to be fat.

Andy and me in 2006.

Andy and me in 2012Andy and me in 2012.

So I guess the first step is admitting we have a problem.  The second step is making the rest of the cheddar bay biscuits and taking them to the pot luck I’m going to on Saturday.

Also, even though they’re mine, I’ll say it.  Boobs.  That’s not a step, that’s pointing out the white elephant in the room.  Literally, in this case.

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Come with me and you’ll be …

in a world of surprisingly little imagination.
This will (hopefully) come as a surprise to many of you, but I am severely challenged in the suspension of belief / imagination department.  I suppose you could say I’m creative.  I like to do things with my hands.  I used to draw pretty well.  I kind of sculpt a little and am good at thinking of things to sculpt.  I can jury rig just about anything.  I’m good at stuff like that.  I can’t enjoy fiction like most people though.  Most books won’t hold my attention.  Sad movies never make me cry.  I get overly distracted by plot holes and predictability in scripts.  OMG, I do not understand pen and paper RPG’s.  People who refer to playing video games like they’re actually in them baffle me.  I just completely and utterly lack the ability to pretend I am someone else or to get immersed in a story I know didn’t really / isn’t really happening.  All of my witticisms are simply twists on existing things.  Puns, parodies, satirical jabs, and sarcasm.  Even my “art” if you can call it that, is reproduction or combining existing things in new ways.  This doesn’t really bother me or anything.  I’m just baffled by how others seem to do it so easily.

My daughter wears a fairy costume at renaissance festivals.  Her fairy has props and a back story, heck, she has a whole fairy world where different types of fairies live in different places and whatnot.  For example, she lives in a sunflower and drinks an elixir that makes her people sized so she can interact with humans when she wants to.  Flower fairies and tree fairies have bad blood between them.  They’re easy to tell apart though because tree fairies have pointy ears.  There aren’t really any rock fairies but it’s considered very posh to live in a geode.   She thinks they’re really too flashy and quite uncomfortable though, so she doesn’t really see what all the fuss is about.

I’ve worked at Ren faires for 7 years and I can’t even maintain the same accent all day, let alone come up with a back story.

It’s the same with Andy and his gamers.  They’ll play a game and then stand around and reminisce about it like it not only actually happened but like they weren’t all just there.  Or Andy will tell some story about gaming or airsoft or whatever and his friends all play along like he just got back from a tour overseas and is telling legit war stories.
I contemplated playing the Dresden Files RPG until I discovered I couldn’t just say I was Molly would have to create a character and then try to think and act like that character.  What?!?!  I totally can’t do that.

The ability to think in stories like that is just so weird and foreign to me.  Heck, even as a kid when we played Barbies I really just wanted to dress them up and fix their hair.  I never cared about whatever little scenario we were supposed to be playing out.

I’m not really sure what the point of any of this is other than it occurred to me to find it odd that the lifelong weird girl who wanted to grow up to be an artist utterly lacks an imagination.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m smart and a good technical writer or I guess I’d be screwed.  Also, I always did suck at ending things that I write so, um, the end.

 

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I guess Ninja Turtles and the Sith Code don’t really scream “professional”

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been working, A LOT.  I clocked in at close to 110 hours over the last 2 weeks!  That said, while I am working full time at the moment, I’m still technically unemployed.  A local attorney has been kind enough to let me work on occasional jobs for him from home so that I can show some experience on my resume.  Hooray for paychecks and experience!

While I usually work from home, the project I am currently working on has required me to go in to the office.  That’s all well and good and gets me exposure and everything, but I have a slight problem with my laptop.

Why yes, that is duct take holding one of the sides together.

The best part is, I’m working in a very conservative law office.  I thought I was all slick though and came up with a back story.  The attorney I work for knows my daughter recently went away to college so I sort of gave the impression that my laptop was really her old laptop and that I had intended to get myself a new one.  Sure there’s an ACLU sticker on there.  My kid could be very political, he doesn’t know.  My point is, I thought I had side stepped the embarrassment of being a 37 year old giant child and could just move on with the project without giving the impression that I am a giant nerd child.  Don’t get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with being an adult kid.  I just really want this job to lead to something permanent, either in this firm or through recommendation.  It doesn’t behoove me to come across as weird or to not fit in.  I’m networking in addition to just working.

Within hours of working on the project, however, my boss proceeded to lean over my shoulder to see what I was working on.  I started explaining what I was doing and then realized he was reading my wallpaper.

My wallpaper is currently the Sith Code, which goes a little something like this:

“Peace is a lie, there is only passion.  Through passion, I gain strength.  Through strength, I gain power.  Through power, I gain victory.  Through victory, my chains are broken.”

Now, I can pretty much guarantee that the Star Wars reference was entirely lost on my boss.  Absent the Star Wars reference, I am entirely uncertain what the words of the Sith Code say about me, especially when read through the eyes of a conservative attorney.  Is it good, bad, confusing, weird?  I have no idea!  Given the awkward situation I was now in, I decided to do what I always do in awkward situations.  I pretended it didn’t happen.  I just kept talking about the project and pretended like I didn’t notice him reading it.  That works, right?

So, I kept working and a few days went by without incident.  Then my boss’ old partner stopped by to see how the project was going.  He came into my office to find me totally disorganized, frantically collating paper, and sitting behind my sticker covered laptop.  He didn’t say anything about the laptop but instead came over and gave me some more papers to add to my collection.  He explained what each was and how it related to the project.  As he continued to go over things, I realized that he too was reading my wallpaper.  Great!  This guy’s seemingly more conservative than the first guy, doesn’t know me, and hasn’t even heard the story about it being a hand-me-down.  Awesome.

Needless to say, I’m not very good at networking and the like.  In limited contact situations I do pretty well at putting on a suit and coming across as both an adult and very professional.  (Seriously, “you look so grown up” is a frequent comment on my facebook photos.) The problem is, it didn’t really occur to me that I need to adultify myself beyond taking out my piercings, making sure my tattoos aren’t visible, wearing a professional wardrobe and carrying a nice briefcase.  Before you ask, yes, I carry my laptop in my briefcase.  I just don’t usually need to take it out in public!  Jeesh

So, I guess I learned something this week.  Probably not any of the stuff I should have learned, but I learned that I need to get a new laptop and put some boring wallpaper of flowers or a landscape or something on there.  Yep, that seems about right.

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Conversations in bed: Your guys suck at Star Wars

I have a really hard time falling asleep.  The problem is, I am really easily bored and lets face it, just lying in bed waiting to fall asleep is almost as boring as watching televised sports.  So I lay there and my brain starts trying to entertain itself.  Much to Andy’s chagrin, my mouth is all too willing to follow its lead.  This is just a little taste of the night time gems with which I keep Andy awake.

Bear in mind, I’ve never actually played a tabletop RPG so I am completely talking out of my butt here.  I really have no clue how these things work aside from knowing there’s a lot of reading and dice rolling involved.

Me: Soooo, you’re playing this Star Wars RPG.  If I decided to play, how much reading would be involved?

Andy: None really.  You know the universe and the characters.  We could explain the rules.

Me: I don’t know Star Wars THAT well.  I’m only a casual fan.  I don’t mind some reading though.  I just find reading rules to be mind numbingly dull.  (Here’s where I should mention I went to law school.  Probably a poor career choice for someone so adverse to reading rules that I won’t even play RPG’s)  The only reason I’m even considering Star Wars is because the books I’ve seen lying around aren’t very thick.  I could maybe suffer through them.

Andy:  That’d be cool.  We’re still getting it together right now anyway.  None of the guys want to play the tech.  You sort of need someone with tech skills for ship repairs and hacking and stuff.

Me: So get an R2 unit.  Problem solved.  Your guys suck at Star Wars.

Andy: The problem is, you need money to buy droids.  I don’t think they could afford it.

Me: So make your first mission be on Tattooine, find a Jawa Sandcrawler and buy some piece of crap used R2.  They could chip in or something.

Andy: Even used droids cost money.

Me: Is there a rule for bargain basement, barely functional, you have to wheel it around on a dolly because it’s not even mobile droids?

Andy: No.

Me: Well there should be.  I saw episode IV and those Jawas had some real pieces of crap out there for sale.

Andy: Well there’s not.  Chester wants to play a droid, but not that kind.

Here’s where I decided that Chester, who I vaguely understand to like chaos characters, which I very vaguely understand, should play a Mandalorian, which I have very little knowledge of, because they don’t form strong alliances from what I understand so in my reasoning they could be played very chaotically if the player so chose.  Even though I really didn’t know what I was talking about, I still argued very vehemently for about 15 minutes.  Why not?  It’s not like anybody’s trying to sleep or anything.

Skipping ahead…

Me: If I play, I just want to play a wookie.  On all my turns I’ll just say Rrrrraaaaaaawwwwwwwrrrrrr and occasionally rip someone’s arms off.  It’ll go like this: You: It’s your turn.  What do you want to do?  Me: rrrrrrrraaaaaaaaawwwwwrrrr rooor rawwww ooooorrrrr roar.  You: No, seriously.  Me:  Rawww rrrr rawrr roooooo raaaaahhhh raaaaawwww.  You: Ok, fine.  Roll the dice.  Me: The wookie doesn’t want to roll the dice.  It’s best to just let the wookie win.

Andy: Why do I talk to you again?

Me: rawwwwrrrrr

Andy: I’m going to sleep.

Me: Guess what?

Andy: You’re going to fart?

Me:  Nope.  Just rrrrrraaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrr

Andy: I’m done talking to you.  Go to sleep.

By then it was after midnight and Andy has to be up at 7 AM so I decided to shut up and read for a while.

And this is why I am the best best girlfriend ever.

The End.

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