Tag Archives: dogs

Now Weird Science is stuck in my head

My dog is so fragging weird!  I put a bra on her head and she liked it.  She wore it all day until I finally took it off of her myself.

I don’t even know what else to say about this other than …

(Weird science)
Plastic tubes and pots and pans
Bits and pieces and
Magic from the hand
We’re makin’

(Weird science)
Things I’ve never seen before
Behind bolted doors
Talent and imagination

(Weird science)

You’re welcome.


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Wondering how my daughter will survive in the wild…

or why did I pay to send you to all those expensive schools?
Yes the bar exam is mere days away and I should be studying, but I had to post this one.

I have invested a lot of time, money, energy, research, etc. to send my daughter to the very best schools.  Shocking for a former teen mom, I know.  Just one of the many ways I’m not typical.  When she was in grade school, I got up early every day and drove her across town to the best ranked school in the area where I paid a small fortune in out-of-district tuition, volunteered in the classroom, worked part-time in the cafeteria as a second job, ran the annual talent show, and coached my daughter’s creative problem solving team.

When she got into high school, we decided our small Kentucky school didn’t have a lot to offer outside of academics, so we moved to one of the best school districts in Ohio.  Here I don’t have to pay out of district tuition.  Instead I pay a small fortune for the privilege of living in one of the best school districts in Ohio.

My daughter is now going into her sophomore year of college at one of the top ranked schools in the country for her chosen profession, which is also a very expensive private school.  You get the picture.

So given that I have made a very serious point to make sure my daughter has had some of the best education the Midwest has to offer, I just LOVE it when she comes out with gems like this:

Andy to me (in the kitchen): Gracie (our dog) got hold of a pack of tortillas off the counter again.  I think we’re going to have to sell her to gypsies.

Me: We always threaten her with gypsies.  I think we need to go with something more plausible like … humane euthanization.

Andy: I think euthanasia is a bit harsh for the crime of tortilla theft.

Me to daughter (in living room): Gracie got tortillas again.  Do you think we should sell her to gypsies, or just have her humanely euthanized?

Daughter: Gypsies.  Nobody deserves euthanasia!  How would you do that humanely anyway?

Me: Ummm give her a shot that makes her fall asleep and never wake up or put her in a room with gas that makes her fall asleep and never wake up.  The same ways they always humanely euthanize animals.

Daughter: Wait.  What?  I thought euthanize meant you tie ropes to someone arms and legs and then have them pulled apart by goats.

Me: Haha goats?  Why goats?

Daughter: Wait, no, I think I meant to say horses or oxes or something.

Me: Hold on, are you being serious right now?

Daughter: Yeah.  I thought euthanize was when you tie ropes to someone and have them pulled apart by horses or whatever.

Me: Whatever like GOATS?  I’m pretty sure goats trying to pull you apart would just make you say, “stop it goats.  You suck.”

Andy: I’m pretty sure goats would just eat the ropes.  That’s called being drawn and quartered.  How in the world did you confuse being drawn and quartered with euthanasia?

Me: by goats!

Daughter: I don’t know.  Why would I know about humane euthanization anyway?

Me: Why did I send you to all those expensive schools?!?!

Daughter: Clearly not so they could teach me about euthanasia.  When would that even come up?

Me: When would drawing and quartering by goats come up.

Daughter: Oh my god, mom.  I meant to say ox, not goat.

I’m not really sure how basic farm animal confusion makes it better.  Oh, and for the record, my dog’s life was in no real danger.  I figure it’s okay to make idle threats against her life because she doesn’t speak English anyway.

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A letter to my fur kids

Dear animals,

Thank you for once again waking me up at 6:00 AM on my day off.  I’d obviously much rather dish out kibble and walk dogs than relax and sleep in on the rare occasion that I actually have the opportunity to do so.  Oh and while we’re on the subject, thanks for waking me up an hour before my alarm goes off during the week too. I’m glad to see letting you out later and giving you late night snacks has had zero affect on your internal clocks.

I know this is the cross I chose to bear when I got suckered in by your respective sad stories and brought you home for a better life.  It’s fine.  All I ask is this, when I eventually fall over dead from hypertension from never being allowed to sleep or relax, please don’t eat my corpse.  I’m an organ donor.

Yes, Mr. Annoying Pants, I’m talking to you.


The only light sleeper in this entire stinking house

A/K/A Mommy

OKAY, I’ll throw your toy now!  Jeesh.

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June 9, 2012 · 9:36 am