Tag Archives: centipede

I may never sleep again

and also, I may have to move.

Believe it or not, I was in my 20’s the fist time I saw a centipede. Well, I mean, in real life and outside of the insect house at the zoo. I always hated that scene in Willy Wonka though. Anyway, I remember my first centipede because I was in the shower and it crawled across the wall. I horror movie screamed and ran wet and naked down the stairs. We had company. I was too busy being horrified to care.

I guess we didn’t have centipedes in the house I grew up in because my dad owned a pest control company and stored bulk containers of pesticides directly beneath my bedroom in the garage. That probably explains a lot of things about my childhood, actually.

Anyway, the house I live in now has centipedes ALL THE FREAKING TIME and by all the freaking time I mean I see 1 or 2 a year. Each time I scream and shake and freak out until someone comes and deals with it or I manage to hit it with one of the objects I am chucking at it from across the room. The centipedes we get here are fast and have really long legs that look like false eyelashes and I’m pretty sure they are getting in through a portal straight from hell. They are horrible and creepy and I just found out recently that they BITE! Holy fudge can these things get any more horrible?!?! (and no, one didn’t bite me, a fb friend was bitten and I was like, GAH OMFG ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! and I looked it up and was like OMG WHY IS LIFE SO TERRIBLE!?!?!)

So last night I was ripping tiles out of my shower and scraping up caulk when I stepped into the hallway to grab a trash can and an entirely different variety of centipede crawled across my hallway floor. This one was bulky and had short legs and looked much more like the giant ones at the zoo than the eyelashy ones we usually have. I screamed so loudly that Andy ran up 2 flights of stairs to see what was wrong. I had a tile in my hand so I threw the tile on it and then jumped up and down on it several times. I made Andy check to be sure it was dead and then had him throw the tile away. I’ll just buy a new tile. It’s okay.

The point of all of this is, I just found out there are at least 2 species of centipedes in this area of the country and apparently they’ve both found the hell portal into my house.

Now I’m all itchy and keep seeing centipedey shadows. *shudder* Yeah, I’m going to have to move.

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Soooo I may have just flashed my neighbor

Yeah, that happened.

When I was getting in the shower this morning there was either a dead centipede or a wad of dog hair on the mat.  I couldn’t determine which and I didn’t want to look closer for fear of lapsing into some Lovecraftian monster induced madness, so I threw a towel over it and tried to pretend it wasn’t there.

I took my shower, put on Andy’s giant robe and went to let the dogs out.  As soon as I got outside though, it felt like something bit me so I squealed “Ahhh centipede” flung my robe open and began jumping, swatting, and shooing simultaneously before remembering I was in my yard wearing nothing but the robe I had just flung open.  Yeah.

Luckily it was 6:00 AM so most of my neighbors were probably asleep.  Less luckily I saw the neighbor directly  behind me let her dogs out just before I let mine out so I knew she was up.  Also her lights were on.  So I fixed my robe, stood on my back porch and squinted into my neighbor’s house to see if I could see her within seeing distance of me.  I’m not sure what I planned to do if she was though.

Then I realized that if she could see me, what she saw was me stand facing her place, rip my robe open, act all crazy, and then stare at her.  I’m hoping she doesn’t  call the police.  This will be pretty hard to explain.

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Filed under Just a day in my life.