Tag Archives: being childish

Pew! pew! I have a gun thingy and I’m shooting at the vagina face guy

This post is verbatim a facebook post and thread that I saved on my laptop a long time ago titled “possible blog fodder”.  Given today’s announcement regarding Disney purchasing Lucasfilms and the upcoming Star Wars: Episode 7, I thought tonight would be a good time to break it out.  So, without further ado, a facebook thread about the great divide between the casual Star Wars fan and the hardcore geek.

Also, you should go into this knowing that I personally own 2 lightsabers,  own and have created Star Wars based artwork, have Admiral Ackbar on my blog page, and own all 6 movies and 4 seasons of The Clone Wars on BluRay.  I am a casual fan.  No really.  Talk to a hardcore fan for about 2 minutes and you will agree.

With that out of the way, here’s the post.

Me: I’m still in the debating stage on joining the Star Wars RPG. I sat in for a few the other day and:

(1) as a casual fan of the movies, I felt pretty lost. I don’t know the names of all of the alien races and know zilch about weapons; and

(2) They’re playing Sith and keep talking about “taint” which makes me giggle.

I don’t really think giggling at taints and saying “pew pew I have a gun thingy and I’m shooting the vagina face guy” will have a very positive effect on my geek-fu.

Katie:   ….the little gun things are called blaster pistol, BLASTER PISTOLS!!!! amateur…

Christina:  yeah I’ve not got much more than you on that…and appears I may be playing swtor soon

Lamey: I don’t understand why you guys like to play games that require so much work. I’m exhausted just thinking about you pew pewing at vagina face.

Jason:  I think it would. Hell, I’d laugh my ass off and hand you a beer

Me: Katie, I know blasters and light sabers. I even know many of the varieties of droids and the creatures that they said the names of on the movies (bantha, tauntaun, wompa). I even know that Admiral Ackbar is Mon Calamari, but only because I find it funny. I’m sitting down there and they’re talking about vibrochainsaws and stuff. I was like holy crap, I thought I knew at least as much as the average casual fan but apparently the gulf between casual fan and hardcore geek is large enough to fit the entire fracking universe in.

Katie:  haha that is a totally true statement!

Christina:  For what it’s worth I think you should join in…

I didn’t join.  Clearly I am not the geek one might imagine I am based on my blog and / or the company I keep.  It’s okay though.  I still know all of the spells from the Harry Potter series and I’m not afraid to use them.


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EPIC Weekend (part 2) More gaming con shenanigans

The second installment in the story of my epic weekend at Origins Game Fair.  If you missed part 1, we revese photo-bombed Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day, played board games with Grant Wilson, and drank rum with a modern day pirate.  You should check it out… but you don’t have to.  This posts does fine as a stand-alone.

Wherein I peddled some wares…

Sleep was fail.  I had to be at the vendor hall early because I had a load of my friend Kace’s patchwork skirts in my car and had to get them to Journeyman Leather so they could be sold.  If you’re in Ohio this fall you should come see us at Silver Squirrel at the Ohio Rennaisance Festival.  You should also buy a skirt while you’re there because they are beautiful, you can wear them year round, and they’re guaranteed to match everything in your closet.  (Can you tell I’ve been doing that pitch for 7 years?)

Wherein I was nearly exterminated …

While delivering skirts I discovered there was a Doctor Who booth run by Who North America which is semi-local (within a reasonable drive if I have other plans in the area type deal) and I was like how could practically everyone I know have been here for 3 days already and nobody thought to mention this?!?!  And then I was all like HOLY CRAP A DALEK! How did nobody think to tell me there was a Dalek here?!?!  … and also a Tardis but who doesn’t have a Tardis these days?

Wherein my cheese curds were disappointingly not squeaky…

After that it was off to lunch at North Market with a few friends.  Good food and good times were had by all.

Wherein my friends totally geek out …

While at lunch my friends Steve and Ofelia asked what I had planned for the day.  I said I had promised to go by and demo “Four Taverns” so I needed to go do that but otherwise I was free.  They said they’d like to demo the game too and could they tag along.  I said sure and off we went.

Turns out, Steve and Ofelia are huge Ghost Hunters fans and were hilariously star struck over meeting Grant Wilson.  They couldn’t stop grinning and taking pictures the whole time.  It was fun though and Grant was an awesome sport.  He even agreed to talk to Steve’s sister on the phone.

Look at Steve cheesin,! He was just a little excited. haha

While we were demoing “Four Taverns” no less than 15 people came by to see me.  It was awesome and I was reminded that at least once or twice a year I am surrounded by people who find me more awesome than awkward, and I am totally okay with that.  As for the game, it’s great and I’m going to post a review today or tomorrow. Please check it out. If you can’t wait that long, here’s a link to Rather Dashing Games. I was originally going to post the review here but this post is already a bit too long and Mike and Grant would probably rather have a review in which I’m not also geeking over Daleks and talking about nipple juju anyway.

Wherein Ofelia loves you, man …

Moving on… Saturday was also Ofelia’s birthday and you can’t have a birthday at a con without your friends getting you drunk.  Con’s, however, aren’t like Vegas.  What happens at cons ends up photographed, videotaped, blogged, and otherwise spread all over the interwebz.  That said, here’s Ofelia drunk dialing everyone she knows while her husband videotaped it.  I’m not sure what she was talking about because it was loud where we were, but at one point I was put on the phone with her sister-in-law to explain why I was being mean to her in our game.

Wherein I discover the awesome evil power of my left nipple …

The game was Risk and I always think I want to play Risk but then I remember that I totally suck at rolling dice.  I don’t care what anyone says, dice rolling is a skill and it’s a skill I don’t possess.  I even got personalized dice with my name on them.  It didn’t help.  Those dice hate me the most of all dice and it makes me sad.  I also suck at playing green no matter what the game.  I don’t know why, I just suck at green.

Anyway, we were playing Risk and Steve’s teenaged nephew was kicking my butt and I was about to die and be out of the game when it came to me.  Andy does this thing where, when he needs a good roll he rubs his dice on his nipples.  The sad thing is, it works.  This is like the whole sucking at dice and green thing.  I don’t know what weird forces rule the gaming universe.  I do know, however, that nipples are like little portals or beacons of power or something that link the gaming forces to our mortal world.

For reasons I won’t go into my left nipple is evil.  It occurred to me that if I could properly harness this power, I could sabotage everyone else’s rolls and catch back up in the game.  So, before the child could attack me again, I grabbed his dice and rubbed them on my left nipple while singing the evil nipple song (which I made up as I went).  I then made weird jinxing hand motions from my left nipple to the board and handed Michael back his dice.  He rolled all 1’s.  It was doubly awesome because 1’s totally look like nipples.  Maybe that’s why nipples are beacons through which game powers are channeled?  hmmmm

The amazing thing was, he couldn’t stop rolling 1’s.  Roll after roll 1’s kept coming up until the poor boy screamed “What have you done to these dice?!?!  Take it back!  You have to take it back!”  You don’t want to mess with my evil nipple.  It’s bad news.

So you might be thinking there’s a flaw in my bad nipple juju strategy in that I will eventually have to roll those same dice to defend my dudes.  Not so.  You see, the universe must remain in balance so for every evil nipple there must also be a good nipple.  I’m pretty sure that’s a Taoist principle.

good nipple

Believe it or not the powers of the gaming universe being channeled through my nipples was so powerful that not only did I not die, I came back and won the game!  and then I wrote “nipple” on the board.  True story.

So that’s how I spent day 2 at Origins.  I saw lots of other people and did lots of other things but it wasn’t any of those people’s birthdays so whatever, they got left out.

Please tune in tomorrow for my review of “Four Taverns” and a few more pics from the con.  G’night everybody.

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Filed under Board gamer lamer, pictures

That’s probably roadworthy, I think

What do you do when you’re broke and your teenage daughter wrecks her car?

Why, you put it back together with bungies and tape and send her on her way, that’s what.

Responsible parent right here!  And people think teen moms can’t ever get their crap together.  Psh.


Filed under Just a day in my life., pictures

wiener cheese

EDIT: years later I sort of regret writing this. It was in jest at the time, but I seriously am very anti-circumcision. It’s cosmetic genital mutilation and it’s not okay. I’m leaving the post up but please know, I am in no way intending to reinforce stupid rationales for preforming unnecessary cosmetic surgery on infants.

Lamey: I don’t know why, but I find the 10th Doctor really attractive.  I think it’s his mannerisms.

Me: He’s too skinny AND he’s European so he’s likely uncircumcised.  I for one am glad we’ve adopted a draconian and barbaric custom of mutilating the genitals of baby boys in this country.  Uncircumcised wieners look like big ‘ol slugs.  I don’t want to see that coming at me.  Ugh.

Lamey: They are ugly, but not that bad so long as the guy is clean and takes care of his junk.

Me: Ewwww  wiener cheese!

Lamey: Haha  wiener cheese always makes me picture that stereotypical wedge of cartoon swiss.  I just imagine some guy walking around with swiss wedges falling out his pant leg and them lying all over the floor.

We laughed and went back to watching Doctor Who.  Lamey was folding laundry.  Then I remembered Andy had a foam block of cartoony swiss in the cabinet behind me.  (He’s a Packers fan.  We just have these things lying around)  So I reached behind me and found the foam cheese.  Then placed it on the table in the middle of Lamey’s folded laundry when she wasn’t looking.  She literally almost peed when she saw it.

That all happened last week, but for some reason I thought about it again this morning.  Not being one to let a joke die, I grabbed my camera and Andy’s cheesehead and proceeded to blow up Lamey’s facebook wall with wiener cheese photos.  I had such a good time creating them, I decided to share with my lovely blog reading audience.  So, without further ado, an album I like to call, “dirty house guest”.

In case you’re wondering, I wiped down the toilet seat with a Clorox wipe first.

It’s a little ridiculous the lengths I’ll go to for a laugh, even when I’m the only one laughing.

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Filed under Just a day in my life., Miscellany, pictures

Why many of my board games contain butt plugs

My sporadic, semi-bi-weekly  board game night started primarily because I was bored and didn’t really have any board games.  What I did have though, thanks to my uber-nerd boyfriend, was a basement devoted entirely to gaming and several friends who owned board games.  To paraphrase Field of Dreams, if you invite them, they will come.  BYOBG

I also had, for a time, a certain Ork named Bull living in my basement.  Okay, Bull’s not really and Ork but he likes to dress like one at cons and apparently there’s a Shadowrun character named after him or something like that.  Anyway, Bull the basement Ork had a copy of Settlers of Catan with a 6 player expansion that my group was quite fond of playing.  If you’ve read my post about wieners and boobs, I’m sure you’re not surprised that we enjoy a game where you get to say “Does anyone have wood for sheep?”. (hehehe that never stops being funny)

If you’ve played any of the Catan games you know there’s a “bandit” that looks like this:

Lets be honest, even unaltered the bandit looks a little like a butt plug.  Bull, however, put a little cap on his, which made it look pretty much entirely like a butt plug.  Sadly, the actual game piece has been lost so I drew a this picture.

The first time Bull broke out his Catan game, the conversation went something like this:

Me: Haha!  Dude, why is there a butt plug in your Catan game?

Bull: It’s a little helmet.  My old gaming group thought it looked like Vader.

Me: I don’t think Vader looks like a butt plug.  That’s totally a butt plug.

Everyone else agreed.  Bull was embarrassed and, being the jerks that we all are, Bull being embarrassed was really funny.  So, of course, we all had to continue to call it a butt plug just to make Bull indignant.

Typical game night.

Before I continue, it occurs to me that maybe some of my reading audience is unfamiliar with what a butt plug looks like.

Well, there are lots of different kinds, but here are a couple of examples.

Slight digression: While I was looking for pictures of butt plugs to go into this post, I ran across a sculpture, there are several of them actually as well as giant inflatables and chocolate replicas.  The sculptures are in the Netherlands and were made by an American artist named Paul McCarthy.  The sculpture is called, and I swear I’m not making this up, “Santa with a butt plug”.  Feel free to google it if you don’t believe me.  Here’s the sculpture:

Apparently it’s a statement about extreme consumerism associated with Christmas.  Haha.  I hate Christmas about as much as a person can but … yeah.  I’ve got nothing.

End digression.

So calling the Catan bandit a butt plug has had the amusing side effect that any game piece that is even remotely similar to the Catan bandit has now been dubbed a butt plug.  Some of these are a huge stretch too (no pun intended).  Probably the biggest stretch is the King’s Envoy, which Andy mistakenly called “the King’s favor” once, which made me laugh so hard I nearly peed.  The King’s Envoy looks absolutely nothing like a butt plug but we call it one anyway.  I recently heard that another associated gaming group calls it a butt plug now too.  I’m an influential person that way.  haha

This is the King’s Envoy.  It is definitely the least butt plug like of all of our gaming butt plugs.

The other unintended side effect is that people who play board games with my group tend to pick up the habit of calling game pieces butt plugs.  I didn’t really realize this was a problem until 2 Thanksgivings ago when I took Settlers of Catan to my mom’s holiday dinner.

The problem wasn’t that family members were shocked by talk of butt plugs.  We’re a weird family and that’s nowhere near the oddest thing to come up in holiday conversation.  The problem was that kids tend to repeat things.

My brother and his girlfriend had played the game with me before so I thought it would be fun.  I set it up and my brother Dave, his girlfriend Sandra, her then 7 year old son Dylan, Andy and I all began playing a game.  Since Dylan was playing I was being careful to call the butt plug a bandit.  My brother, however, was not so subtle.

Me: Oh! 7.  You get to move the bu … bandit.

Dave: What? Oh, you mean the butt plug?

Me: Sigh, yes, it’s actually called a bandit.

Dave: Whatever.  Give me the butt plug.

(a few turns later)

Dylan: 7! I get to move the butt plug!  I’m going to butt plug you, Mom!

Me: Haha, way to go Dave.

Dave: What?  He doesn’t know what it means.

Me: Which is exactly why he’s going to go to school and talk about the game he played with a bunch of adults and a butt plug.

As far as I know he didn’t go to school talking about butt plugs, but my daughter did.

My daughter is away at college so, like all kids her age, she and her friends decided to check out a sex shop.  While wandering the isles, my lovely daughter announced, “Hey! butt plugs!  So this is what my mom is always talking about.”  Yeah, so now I’m the weirdo mom.

Regardless of the implications, the butt plug trend continues.  Go forth, roll a 7, and butt plug some sheep.  It feels good and you’ll feel good doing it.

Hmmm … I should make t-shirts for my zazzle shop!

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Filed under Board gamer lamer, Drawings

This post is about neither wieners nor boobs (with pictures!)

Many of you have probably heard this story before but you haven’t heard it with pictures, so here it is again:

My friend Lamey (actually her name is Amy but I like to give people nicknames, so there you go) and I have a friendship based pretty much entirely on being snarky and childish and making wieners and boobs.  Here’s a bit of our handy work:

This is Mr. Penisface.  He was a joint effort between Lamey and me.Carcassone penis city – MADE DURING ACTUAL GAME PLAY!!!  We are super talented that way.  Incidentally, this is the picture that comes up on Lamey’s phone when I call her.

I have some others too, oragami penis made from a Keno card, text wieners and boobs, and so on.  I thought about posting them all but I didn’t want to make this post too photo heavy, I think you get the point.  I LOVE making wieners and boobs.

“But wait!” you say, “I thought you said this post was about neither wieners nor boobs!  There seem to be a lot of of wieners and boobs for a post that is about neither wieners nor boobs.”

Well, this post is indeed about neither wieners nor boobs.  I’m getting there, be patient.

Andy has this dry erase board in his office and I like to write and draw on it.  Not surprisingly I often draw wieners and boobs.  Right now it says “Hepititey Whitey” which is about butts, actually, and has nothing to do with wieners and boobs, so there.

So, Andy has this dry erase board and, like I do, I wandered into his office and picked up a dry erase marker intending to draw on it.  I kid you not, I was standing there thinking, “hmmm do I want to draw a wiener? or boobs?” I’m in a deep mental debate of the pros and cons of each and the creative routes I could go with each when Andy says:

Andy: Don’t draw on my dry erase board.

Me: Why not?

Andy: You’re just going to draw wieners and boobs.

Me: I was not!

followed by:

I seriously could not think of a single thing to draw that wasn’t wieners or boobs.  I had nothing.  Blank.  I’m pretty sure I stood there looking like a deer in headlights, holding a dry erase marker for at least 5 minutes.  All the while I can feel Andy’s eyes on me, judging me, thinking me both uncreative and a liar and mentally I’m agreeing with him.  I’m a 1 trick pony!  Wieners and boobs, that’s all I’ve got.  Just wieners and boobs and a dry erase marker in my hand!  I’m starting to panic a little when suddenly, an idea.  It’s a lame idea, but it’s an idea.  I drew …. a mustache and monocle.  Then I looked very self-satisfied, slammed down the marker and said, “I’ve made your board FANCY!” and then I stormed out.

I really have no idea why Andy stays with me.

Well, I couldn’t let Andy go thinking I’m not creative.  I had to prove myself.  I had to come up with something to draw that was both very me and not wieners and boobs.  After a little thought, I came up with this:

This drawing has been hanging at the foot of the stairs in our gaming room for several months.  Like all works of fine art, the viewer is free interpret it as they wish.  Still, artists frequently share the story that inspired the work and now I’ve shared mine.

More importantly though, this drawing and the story behind it, is what this post is about and thus, this is a post about neither wieners nor boobs.

See, I told you I’d get to it eventually.

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Filed under Board gamer lamer, Just a day in my life.

Conversations in bed: Your guys suck at Star Wars

I have a really hard time falling asleep.  The problem is, I am really easily bored and lets face it, just lying in bed waiting to fall asleep is almost as boring as watching televised sports.  So I lay there and my brain starts trying to entertain itself.  Much to Andy’s chagrin, my mouth is all too willing to follow its lead.  This is just a little taste of the night time gems with which I keep Andy awake.

Bear in mind, I’ve never actually played a tabletop RPG so I am completely talking out of my butt here.  I really have no clue how these things work aside from knowing there’s a lot of reading and dice rolling involved.

Me: Soooo, you’re playing this Star Wars RPG.  If I decided to play, how much reading would be involved?

Andy: None really.  You know the universe and the characters.  We could explain the rules.

Me: I don’t know Star Wars THAT well.  I’m only a casual fan.  I don’t mind some reading though.  I just find reading rules to be mind numbingly dull.  (Here’s where I should mention I went to law school.  Probably a poor career choice for someone so adverse to reading rules that I won’t even play RPG’s)  The only reason I’m even considering Star Wars is because the books I’ve seen lying around aren’t very thick.  I could maybe suffer through them.

Andy:  That’d be cool.  We’re still getting it together right now anyway.  None of the guys want to play the tech.  You sort of need someone with tech skills for ship repairs and hacking and stuff.

Me: So get an R2 unit.  Problem solved.  Your guys suck at Star Wars.

Andy: The problem is, you need money to buy droids.  I don’t think they could afford it.

Me: So make your first mission be on Tattooine, find a Jawa Sandcrawler and buy some piece of crap used R2.  They could chip in or something.

Andy: Even used droids cost money.

Me: Is there a rule for bargain basement, barely functional, you have to wheel it around on a dolly because it’s not even mobile droids?

Andy: No.

Me: Well there should be.  I saw episode IV and those Jawas had some real pieces of crap out there for sale.

Andy: Well there’s not.  Chester wants to play a droid, but not that kind.

Here’s where I decided that Chester, who I vaguely understand to like chaos characters, which I very vaguely understand, should play a Mandalorian, which I have very little knowledge of, because they don’t form strong alliances from what I understand so in my reasoning they could be played very chaotically if the player so chose.  Even though I really didn’t know what I was talking about, I still argued very vehemently for about 15 minutes.  Why not?  It’s not like anybody’s trying to sleep or anything.

Skipping ahead…

Me: If I play, I just want to play a wookie.  On all my turns I’ll just say Rrrrraaaaaaawwwwwwwrrrrrr and occasionally rip someone’s arms off.  It’ll go like this: You: It’s your turn.  What do you want to do?  Me: rrrrrrrraaaaaaaaawwwwwrrrr rooor rawwww ooooorrrrr roar.  You: No, seriously.  Me:  Rawww rrrr rawrr roooooo raaaaahhhh raaaaawwww.  You: Ok, fine.  Roll the dice.  Me: The wookie doesn’t want to roll the dice.  It’s best to just let the wookie win.

Andy: Why do I talk to you again?

Me: rawwwwrrrrr

Andy: I’m going to sleep.

Me: Guess what?

Andy: You’re going to fart?

Me:  Nope.  Just rrrrrraaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrr

Andy: I’m done talking to you.  Go to sleep.

By then it was after midnight and Andy has to be up at 7 AM so I decided to shut up and read for a while.

And this is why I am the best best girlfriend ever.

The End.


Filed under ... in bed