Tag Archives: Art

Come with me and you’ll be …

in a world of surprisingly little imagination.
This will (hopefully) come as a surprise to many of you, but I am severely challenged in the suspension of belief / imagination department.  I suppose you could say I’m creative.  I like to do things with my hands.  I used to draw pretty well.  I kind of sculpt a little and am good at thinking of things to sculpt.  I can jury rig just about anything.  I’m good at stuff like that.  I can’t enjoy fiction like most people though.  Most books won’t hold my attention.  Sad movies never make me cry.  I get overly distracted by plot holes and predictability in scripts.  OMG, I do not understand pen and paper RPG’s.  People who refer to playing video games like they’re actually in them baffle me.  I just completely and utterly lack the ability to pretend I am someone else or to get immersed in a story I know didn’t really / isn’t really happening.  All of my witticisms are simply twists on existing things.  Puns, parodies, satirical jabs, and sarcasm.  Even my “art” if you can call it that, is reproduction or combining existing things in new ways.  This doesn’t really bother me or anything.  I’m just baffled by how others seem to do it so easily.

My daughter wears a fairy costume at renaissance festivals.  Her fairy has props and a back story, heck, she has a whole fairy world where different types of fairies live in different places and whatnot.  For example, she lives in a sunflower and drinks an elixir that makes her people sized so she can interact with humans when she wants to.  Flower fairies and tree fairies have bad blood between them.  They’re easy to tell apart though because tree fairies have pointy ears.  There aren’t really any rock fairies but it’s considered very posh to live in a geode.   She thinks they’re really too flashy and quite uncomfortable though, so she doesn’t really see what all the fuss is about.

I’ve worked at Ren faires for 7 years and I can’t even maintain the same accent all day, let alone come up with a back story.

It’s the same with Andy and his gamers.  They’ll play a game and then stand around and reminisce about it like it not only actually happened but like they weren’t all just there.  Or Andy will tell some story about gaming or airsoft or whatever and his friends all play along like he just got back from a tour overseas and is telling legit war stories.
I contemplated playing the Dresden Files RPG until I discovered I couldn’t just say I was Molly would have to create a character and then try to think and act like that character.  What?!?!  I totally can’t do that.

The ability to think in stories like that is just so weird and foreign to me.  Heck, even as a kid when we played Barbies I really just wanted to dress them up and fix their hair.  I never cared about whatever little scenario we were supposed to be playing out.

I’m not really sure what the point of any of this is other than it occurred to me to find it odd that the lifelong weird girl who wanted to grow up to be an artist utterly lacks an imagination.  I guess it’s a good thing I’m smart and a good technical writer or I guess I’d be screwed.  Also, I always did suck at ending things that I write so, um, the end.




Filed under Miscellany

Frontal Lobe Malfunctions (a comic!)

Please click image to view the entire thing.  This post will be the death of me.

why I can't sleep



Filed under ... in bed, Drawings

Photo Friday: Spring Has Sprung

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Filed under * this moment *, pictures

* this moment * 3-2-12

A Friday ritual. A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

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Filed under * this moment *

Why many of my board games contain butt plugs

My sporadic, semi-bi-weekly  board game night started primarily because I was bored and didn’t really have any board games.  What I did have though, thanks to my uber-nerd boyfriend, was a basement devoted entirely to gaming and several friends who owned board games.  To paraphrase Field of Dreams, if you invite them, they will come.  BYOBG

I also had, for a time, a certain Ork named Bull living in my basement.  Okay, Bull’s not really and Ork but he likes to dress like one at cons and apparently there’s a Shadowrun character named after him or something like that.  Anyway, Bull the basement Ork had a copy of Settlers of Catan with a 6 player expansion that my group was quite fond of playing.  If you’ve read my post about wieners and boobs, I’m sure you’re not surprised that we enjoy a game where you get to say “Does anyone have wood for sheep?”. (hehehe that never stops being funny)

If you’ve played any of the Catan games you know there’s a “bandit” that looks like this:

Lets be honest, even unaltered the bandit looks a little like a butt plug.  Bull, however, put a little cap on his, which made it look pretty much entirely like a butt plug.  Sadly, the actual game piece has been lost so I drew a this picture.

The first time Bull broke out his Catan game, the conversation went something like this:

Me: Haha!  Dude, why is there a butt plug in your Catan game?

Bull: It’s a little helmet.  My old gaming group thought it looked like Vader.

Me: I don’t think Vader looks like a butt plug.  That’s totally a butt plug.

Everyone else agreed.  Bull was embarrassed and, being the jerks that we all are, Bull being embarrassed was really funny.  So, of course, we all had to continue to call it a butt plug just to make Bull indignant.

Typical game night.

Before I continue, it occurs to me that maybe some of my reading audience is unfamiliar with what a butt plug looks like.

Well, there are lots of different kinds, but here are a couple of examples.

Slight digression: While I was looking for pictures of butt plugs to go into this post, I ran across a sculpture, there are several of them actually as well as giant inflatables and chocolate replicas.  The sculptures are in the Netherlands and were made by an American artist named Paul McCarthy.  The sculpture is called, and I swear I’m not making this up, “Santa with a butt plug”.  Feel free to google it if you don’t believe me.  Here’s the sculpture:

Apparently it’s a statement about extreme consumerism associated with Christmas.  Haha.  I hate Christmas about as much as a person can but … yeah.  I’ve got nothing.

End digression.

So calling the Catan bandit a butt plug has had the amusing side effect that any game piece that is even remotely similar to the Catan bandit has now been dubbed a butt plug.  Some of these are a huge stretch too (no pun intended).  Probably the biggest stretch is the King’s Envoy, which Andy mistakenly called “the King’s favor” once, which made me laugh so hard I nearly peed.  The King’s Envoy looks absolutely nothing like a butt plug but we call it one anyway.  I recently heard that another associated gaming group calls it a butt plug now too.  I’m an influential person that way.  haha

This is the King’s Envoy.  It is definitely the least butt plug like of all of our gaming butt plugs.

The other unintended side effect is that people who play board games with my group tend to pick up the habit of calling game pieces butt plugs.  I didn’t really realize this was a problem until 2 Thanksgivings ago when I took Settlers of Catan to my mom’s holiday dinner.

The problem wasn’t that family members were shocked by talk of butt plugs.  We’re a weird family and that’s nowhere near the oddest thing to come up in holiday conversation.  The problem was that kids tend to repeat things.

My brother and his girlfriend had played the game with me before so I thought it would be fun.  I set it up and my brother Dave, his girlfriend Sandra, her then 7 year old son Dylan, Andy and I all began playing a game.  Since Dylan was playing I was being careful to call the butt plug a bandit.  My brother, however, was not so subtle.

Me: Oh! 7.  You get to move the bu … bandit.

Dave: What? Oh, you mean the butt plug?

Me: Sigh, yes, it’s actually called a bandit.

Dave: Whatever.  Give me the butt plug.

(a few turns later)

Dylan: 7! I get to move the butt plug!  I’m going to butt plug you, Mom!

Me: Haha, way to go Dave.

Dave: What?  He doesn’t know what it means.

Me: Which is exactly why he’s going to go to school and talk about the game he played with a bunch of adults and a butt plug.

As far as I know he didn’t go to school talking about butt plugs, but my daughter did.

My daughter is away at college so, like all kids her age, she and her friends decided to check out a sex shop.  While wandering the isles, my lovely daughter announced, “Hey! butt plugs!  So this is what my mom is always talking about.”  Yeah, so now I’m the weirdo mom.

Regardless of the implications, the butt plug trend continues.  Go forth, roll a 7, and butt plug some sheep.  It feels good and you’ll feel good doing it.

Hmmm … I should make t-shirts for my zazzle shop!

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Filed under Board gamer lamer, Drawings

More chalkboard graffiti

I’ve decided to expand my chalk drawings beyond wieners and boobs.

Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

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Filed under Miscellany

This post is about neither wieners nor boobs (with pictures!)

Many of you have probably heard this story before but you haven’t heard it with pictures, so here it is again:

My friend Lamey (actually her name is Amy but I like to give people nicknames, so there you go) and I have a friendship based pretty much entirely on being snarky and childish and making wieners and boobs.  Here’s a bit of our handy work:

This is Mr. Penisface.  He was a joint effort between Lamey and me.Carcassone penis city – MADE DURING ACTUAL GAME PLAY!!!  We are super talented that way.  Incidentally, this is the picture that comes up on Lamey’s phone when I call her.

I have some others too, oragami penis made from a Keno card, text wieners and boobs, and so on.  I thought about posting them all but I didn’t want to make this post too photo heavy, I think you get the point.  I LOVE making wieners and boobs.

“But wait!” you say, “I thought you said this post was about neither wieners nor boobs!  There seem to be a lot of of wieners and boobs for a post that is about neither wieners nor boobs.”

Well, this post is indeed about neither wieners nor boobs.  I’m getting there, be patient.

Andy has this dry erase board in his office and I like to write and draw on it.  Not surprisingly I often draw wieners and boobs.  Right now it says “Hepititey Whitey” which is about butts, actually, and has nothing to do with wieners and boobs, so there.

So, Andy has this dry erase board and, like I do, I wandered into his office and picked up a dry erase marker intending to draw on it.  I kid you not, I was standing there thinking, “hmmm do I want to draw a wiener? or boobs?” I’m in a deep mental debate of the pros and cons of each and the creative routes I could go with each when Andy says:

Andy: Don’t draw on my dry erase board.

Me: Why not?

Andy: You’re just going to draw wieners and boobs.

Me: I was not!

followed by:

I seriously could not think of a single thing to draw that wasn’t wieners or boobs.  I had nothing.  Blank.  I’m pretty sure I stood there looking like a deer in headlights, holding a dry erase marker for at least 5 minutes.  All the while I can feel Andy’s eyes on me, judging me, thinking me both uncreative and a liar and mentally I’m agreeing with him.  I’m a 1 trick pony!  Wieners and boobs, that’s all I’ve got.  Just wieners and boobs and a dry erase marker in my hand!  I’m starting to panic a little when suddenly, an idea.  It’s a lame idea, but it’s an idea.  I drew …. a mustache and monocle.  Then I looked very self-satisfied, slammed down the marker and said, “I’ve made your board FANCY!” and then I stormed out.

I really have no idea why Andy stays with me.

Well, I couldn’t let Andy go thinking I’m not creative.  I had to prove myself.  I had to come up with something to draw that was both very me and not wieners and boobs.  After a little thought, I came up with this:

This drawing has been hanging at the foot of the stairs in our gaming room for several months.  Like all works of fine art, the viewer is free interpret it as they wish.  Still, artists frequently share the story that inspired the work and now I’ve shared mine.

More importantly though, this drawing and the story behind it, is what this post is about and thus, this is a post about neither wieners nor boobs.

See, I told you I’d get to it eventually.

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Filed under Board gamer lamer, Just a day in my life.