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Well played, Swingline

In addition to becoming part owner of a retail business recently, I also opened a general practice law firm.  I know, right?  So in doing all of the tons of set up stuff I got a business credit card for the purchasing of the office supplies and whatnot.

My first purchase!

My first purchase!

My second purchase: a printer.  Seriously.

It gets better though.  When I got to the counter to pay for my red Swingline stapler (and yes, it’s full size despite looking oddly small in this picture) the clerk informed me that I got this little guy for free!

"The Legendary Red Stapler Ornament"

“The Legendary Red Stapler Ornament”

So now I have a little family of red Swingline staplers!
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When I got it home and started to open the packaging, I discovered this subtle marketing gem.

IMG_1290

Well played, Swingline. Well played.

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Apparently we’re fat AND co-dependent. Well that sucks.

Earlier today I was thinking about how it sucks that I have to work so much harder than Andy does to make less money than he does all because my vagina is being penalized. It’s not nearly as fun as it sounds.

Speaking of being screwed by your vagina (aka gender inequality) today when I came home from work and immediately cooked dinner like I always do not because anyone asks me to but because there’s a societal expectation that as a woman I am supposed to take care of the house and family and … WHOA! Sorry about that. I sent my daughter to a liberal arts school and clearly I’ve spent way too much time talking to her lately. I’m all for feminism, don’t get me wrong, but this is a post about co-dependent fat people.

What I was trying to say was, tonight I made a batch of Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits for dinner because Andy loves them and I love cooking things that make him happy. But he wants me to be happy too so he does things like eat way too many and then tell me I should eat more because he feels bad for eating too many and then I eat more because I feel like he has given me some permission I needed or something and then the next thing you know, we seriously ate an entire batch of cheese and butter filled dough. 14 biscuits, you guys.  I am not even exaggerating.  I’m fairly certain we aren’t going to make it until morning.  I think I can actually feel my arteries congealing as I type this.

The sad thing is, we do this crap all the time. Not just with food either, but with being lazy. Andy is very sedentary and constantly talks me into joining him in sedentary activities. I do it easily because I like spending time with him and the things we do together are fun. The thing is though, when Andy and I got together 7 years ago, I was strictly watching what I ate and exercising every day and he was controlling his portions and trying to make a point to be less sedentary. We have become locked in a co-dependent relationship where we are each dependent on the other to allow us to be fat.

Andy and me in 2006.

Andy and me in 2012Andy and me in 2012.

So I guess the first step is admitting we have a problem.  The second step is making the rest of the cheddar bay biscuits and taking them to the pot luck I’m going to on Saturday.

Also, even though they’re mine, I’ll say it.  Boobs.  That’s not a step, that’s pointing out the white elephant in the room.  Literally, in this case.

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EPIC Weekend (part 2) More gaming con shenanigans

The second installment in the story of my epic weekend at Origins Game Fair.  If you missed part 1, we revese photo-bombed Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day, played board games with Grant Wilson, and drank rum with a modern day pirate.  You should check it out… but you don’t have to.  This posts does fine as a stand-alone.

Wherein I peddled some wares…

Sleep was fail.  I had to be at the vendor hall early because I had a load of my friend Kace’s patchwork skirts in my car and had to get them to Journeyman Leather so they could be sold.  If you’re in Ohio this fall you should come see us at Silver Squirrel at the Ohio Rennaisance Festival.  You should also buy a skirt while you’re there because they are beautiful, you can wear them year round, and they’re guaranteed to match everything in your closet.  (Can you tell I’ve been doing that pitch for 7 years?)

Wherein I was nearly exterminated …

While delivering skirts I discovered there was a Doctor Who booth run by Who North America which is semi-local (within a reasonable drive if I have other plans in the area type deal) and I was like how could practically everyone I know have been here for 3 days already and nobody thought to mention this?!?!  And then I was all like HOLY CRAP A DALEK! How did nobody think to tell me there was a Dalek here?!?!  … and also a Tardis but who doesn’t have a Tardis these days?

Wherein my cheese curds were disappointingly not squeaky…

After that it was off to lunch at North Market with a few friends.  Good food and good times were had by all.

Wherein my friends totally geek out …

While at lunch my friends Steve and Ofelia asked what I had planned for the day.  I said I had promised to go by and demo “Four Taverns” so I needed to go do that but otherwise I was free.  They said they’d like to demo the game too and could they tag along.  I said sure and off we went.

Turns out, Steve and Ofelia are huge Ghost Hunters fans and were hilariously star struck over meeting Grant Wilson.  They couldn’t stop grinning and taking pictures the whole time.  It was fun though and Grant was an awesome sport.  He even agreed to talk to Steve’s sister on the phone.

Look at Steve cheesin,! He was just a little excited. haha

While we were demoing “Four Taverns” no less than 15 people came by to see me.  It was awesome and I was reminded that at least once or twice a year I am surrounded by people who find me more awesome than awkward, and I am totally okay with that.  As for the game, it’s great and I’m going to post a review today or tomorrow. Please check it out. If you can’t wait that long, here’s a link to Rather Dashing Games. I was originally going to post the review here but this post is already a bit too long and Mike and Grant would probably rather have a review in which I’m not also geeking over Daleks and talking about nipple juju anyway.

Wherein Ofelia loves you, man …

Moving on… Saturday was also Ofelia’s birthday and you can’t have a birthday at a con without your friends getting you drunk.  Con’s, however, aren’t like Vegas.  What happens at cons ends up photographed, videotaped, blogged, and otherwise spread all over the interwebz.  That said, here’s Ofelia drunk dialing everyone she knows while her husband videotaped it.  I’m not sure what she was talking about because it was loud where we were, but at one point I was put on the phone with her sister-in-law to explain why I was being mean to her in our game.

Wherein I discover the awesome evil power of my left nipple …

The game was Risk and I always think I want to play Risk but then I remember that I totally suck at rolling dice.  I don’t care what anyone says, dice rolling is a skill and it’s a skill I don’t possess.  I even got personalized dice with my name on them.  It didn’t help.  Those dice hate me the most of all dice and it makes me sad.  I also suck at playing green no matter what the game.  I don’t know why, I just suck at green.

Anyway, we were playing Risk and Steve’s teenaged nephew was kicking my butt and I was about to die and be out of the game when it came to me.  Andy does this thing where, when he needs a good roll he rubs his dice on his nipples.  The sad thing is, it works.  This is like the whole sucking at dice and green thing.  I don’t know what weird forces rule the gaming universe.  I do know, however, that nipples are like little portals or beacons of power or something that link the gaming forces to our mortal world.

For reasons I won’t go into my left nipple is evil.  It occurred to me that if I could properly harness this power, I could sabotage everyone else’s rolls and catch back up in the game.  So, before the child could attack me again, I grabbed his dice and rubbed them on my left nipple while singing the evil nipple song (which I made up as I went).  I then made weird jinxing hand motions from my left nipple to the board and handed Michael back his dice.  He rolled all 1’s.  It was doubly awesome because 1’s totally look like nipples.  Maybe that’s why nipples are beacons through which game powers are channeled?  hmmmm

The amazing thing was, he couldn’t stop rolling 1’s.  Roll after roll 1’s kept coming up until the poor boy screamed “What have you done to these dice?!?!  Take it back!  You have to take it back!”  You don’t want to mess with my evil nipple.  It’s bad news.

So you might be thinking there’s a flaw in my bad nipple juju strategy in that I will eventually have to roll those same dice to defend my dudes.  Not so.  You see, the universe must remain in balance so for every evil nipple there must also be a good nipple.  I’m pretty sure that’s a Taoist principle.

good nipple

Believe it or not the powers of the gaming universe being channeled through my nipples was so powerful that not only did I not die, I came back and won the game!  and then I wrote “nipple” on the board.  True story.

So that’s how I spent day 2 at Origins.  I saw lots of other people and did lots of other things but it wasn’t any of those people’s birthdays so whatever, they got left out.

Please tune in tomorrow for my review of “Four Taverns” and a few more pics from the con.  G’night everybody.

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Wherein I have an EPIC weekend… (part 1)

The following took place Friday night from roughly10 PM to 3 AM.

One of the nice things about where we live is that we’re just a couple hours drive from several awesomely nerdy annual conventions.  We go to at least 2 and sometimes as many as 4 conventions a year.   Gaming cons, comic cons, anime cons, they’re all fair game because cons are nerd paradise, especially after hours.

Of all of the cons that we go to, Origins Game Fair in Columbus, Ohio is my favorite.  I’ve gone every year for 6 years running and have amassed a large posse of awesome friends from all over the world.  Thanks to social media we all keep in touch.  We continually look forward to next year when we’ll all see one another again and inevitably add a few more folks to our entourage.  Origins is smallish as far as cons go but that’s what makes it so much fun.  You can actually hang out with people and shop and game and it’s all very relaxed and groovy.

Given the awesome time I always have at Origins I was expecting good things, but what I got was a truly epic weekend.

Andy went up on Wednesday and I joined him there Friday night.  I found him sitting in the back of Big Bar playing Shadowrun with some friends.  As soon as I got there, all the guys began not so subtly saying “look behind us” and then started passing me cameras.   Gaming at the table directly behind them were Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day.  There are pics, so it’s true.

Don't look, but Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day are at the next table.

This is Andy. Oh, and that’s Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day behind him. Author Pat Rothfuss was sitting directly behind Andy but wasn’t in his seat when I took this pic.

Epic Photo Bomb
We call this one “EPIC PHOTOBOMB”!

Then I played a game at a con for the second time ever.  I lost.  Badly.

Amusingly, the only other game I had ever played at a con before Friday night was a game of Munchkin that I played with Steve Jackson. Sorry Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day, I beat you to that one by about 4 years. 😛

Here’s a link to TableTop featuring Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day playing Munchkin with Steve Jackson.

That went on until well past midnight. When we finally departed the back room, we immediately ran into some friends from Chicago. While talking to them, Grant Wilson, formerly of Ghost Hunters, and Mike Richie, game designer and President of Rather Dashing Games, came over and hung out with us for a while.  Turns out they had gotten to know Andy a bit over the few days before I got there.  Man, what a great couple of guys!  They did a game together called “Four Taverns” that I’ll review in tomorrow night’s post.  Our friend Nigel did a game for Rather Dashing as well but I’m going to get to him later and I haven’t played his game yet.

I’m throwing in a plug for Rather Dashing Games here because and Grant and Mike are both really great guys and tomorrow you can read about how it’s a really great game.   Rather Dashing Games  Go to the site.  Buy things.

I look like a huge (literally) dork here because Mike tried to steal a sip of my drink, I caught him, we both laughed and then Andy snapped the pic while we were still recovering. This is why there are never any pictures of me. Andy fails at pictures.

Andy with Mike and Grant, hanging out in Big Bar.

After that we ran into our friend and wonderful artist Nigel Sade and his adorable girlfriend Sarah and super fun cousin Steve. Well, any time we run into Nigel we can pretty much plan on hanging out all night.  So that’s what happened.  In fact, that happened every night… and that’s why all the rum’s gone.  Nigel’s a really cool artist who does a lot of sci-fi and comic themed stuff in addition to more serious artwork.  He just finished a Darth Maul that I must have and we’re currently bartering for a Daredevil tattoo design.  🙂  Check out his work.  He’s a great guy and a great artist.

Andy and Nigel

This is a pic I took of Andy and Nigel talking at like 3 AM because I was getting tired and bored. Mostly tired. Also hungry.

That ALL happened Friday night.

Stay tuned tomorrow for part 2, wherein I play and review “Four Taverns” while looking rather dashing, finally win a game of Risk thanks to my bad nipple juju, and encounter a Dalek.

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That’s probably roadworthy, I think

What do you do when you’re broke and your teenage daughter wrecks her car?

Why, you put it back together with bungies and tape and send her on her way, that’s what.

Responsible parent right here!  And people think teen moms can’t ever get their crap together.  Psh.

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wiener cheese

EDIT: years later I sort of regret writing this. It was in jest at the time, but I seriously am very anti-circumcision. It’s cosmetic genital mutilation and it’s not okay. I’m leaving the post up but please know, I am in no way intending to reinforce stupid rationales for preforming unnecessary cosmetic surgery on infants.

Lamey: I don’t know why, but I find the 10th Doctor really attractive.  I think it’s his mannerisms.

Me: He’s too skinny AND he’s European so he’s likely uncircumcised.  I for one am glad we’ve adopted a draconian and barbaric custom of mutilating the genitals of baby boys in this country.  Uncircumcised wieners look like big ‘ol slugs.  I don’t want to see that coming at me.  Ugh.

Lamey: They are ugly, but not that bad so long as the guy is clean and takes care of his junk.

Me: Ewwww  wiener cheese!

Lamey: Haha  wiener cheese always makes me picture that stereotypical wedge of cartoon swiss.  I just imagine some guy walking around with swiss wedges falling out his pant leg and them lying all over the floor.

We laughed and went back to watching Doctor Who.  Lamey was folding laundry.  Then I remembered Andy had a foam block of cartoony swiss in the cabinet behind me.  (He’s a Packers fan.  We just have these things lying around)  So I reached behind me and found the foam cheese.  Then placed it on the table in the middle of Lamey’s folded laundry when she wasn’t looking.  She literally almost peed when she saw it.

That all happened last week, but for some reason I thought about it again this morning.  Not being one to let a joke die, I grabbed my camera and Andy’s cheesehead and proceeded to blow up Lamey’s facebook wall with wiener cheese photos.  I had such a good time creating them, I decided to share with my lovely blog reading audience.  So, without further ado, an album I like to call, “dirty house guest”.

In case you’re wondering, I wiped down the toilet seat with a Clorox wipe first.

It’s a little ridiculous the lengths I’ll go to for a laugh, even when I’m the only one laughing.

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Photo Friday: Spring Has Sprung

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