Well crap. Literally.

Apparently what happens if you eat a half dozen Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits and manage to survive the night is that you crap your pants at the grocery.  I really wish I was exaggerating a particularly nasty fart for comedic effect but nope, that happened. It was really more a shart than a full crap but yeah, outside of illness and too many laxatives, this is a horrific first for me.  Also, people often tell me that they love how I am so open and can just talk about myself so easily.  This is the down side to that right here.  I’m pretty sure most people don’t share these stories.  I’m also pretty sure Andy won’t be sharing this blog post.

In less disturbing news, I’d like to thank the hilarious Noodles & Company employee with no concept of volume control for making my lunch so entertaining.

I was craving Pad Thai today so I went to the snooty upscale shopping center half way between work and home.  Like many midwest snooty shopping centers it is always packed to the hilt with a bunch of cookie cutter white people.  There are business men and women, bored stay at home moms, and rich college kids in there mostly.  Nearly all of the employees look exactly like the customers and were it not for the name tags it would be hard to tell the employees from the patrons.  Today though, I walked into Noodles to find a tall, heavy-set black woman in the kitchen and a middle aged guy in a kilt in line in front of me.  Cool, I thought.  This place is finally diversifying a little.

As it turned out, it was even better than I could have hoped because the black woman – and let me say that no, I don’t say African American because not all black people are from Africa and because I have known people who are from Africa who are black, white, and brown so I just find the term unnecessary and inaccurate.  Black people know they’re black.  It’s okay to say so.  Anyway, this woman was hilarious and had absolutely no idea how well her voice carries.  The second the kilted guy was out of her view, and bear in mind, he hadn’t left, he was just no longer standing where she could see him she said:

Loud employee: HAHA!  DID Y’ALL SEE THAT MAN WEARIN’ A SKIRT?!?!

Another employee (probably aware the guy was still there): Oh, he was wearing a kilt.  Maybe he’s going play the bagpipes for us.

Loud employee: WANTS SOMEBODY TO PLAY WITH HIS BAG AND PIPE MORE LIKE!  HAHA!

Kilted guy headed deliberately toward the back door so as to stay out of sight of the employees conversing about him.  I was disappointed.  I was really hoping one of them would ask him if he’s wearing underwear.  Guys in kilts get that A LOT.  So much so that many of them will show you rather than answer the question.  That would have made my lunch perfect.

Other employee: (I couldn’t hear what she said but I am assuming it was something to the effect of can you or would you play bagpipes)

Loud employee: SHOOT NO!  I AIN’T GOT WIND FOR THAT.  I PLAY CLARINET AND VIOLIN THOUGH.

I’d beg to differ loud, funny lady.  I think you most certainly “have the wind for that”.

After that they got really busy so there was no more commentary from the kitchen.  I quickly became surrounded by the boring droning of the most vanilla of wealthy white people.  Then I remembered why I seldom go to the uppity shopping mall despite it being the closest place I can get Thai food.  I don’t really fit in with uppity white people.  I don’t really fit in with most people, if I am entirely honest.  I guess the nice thing about not fitting in anywhere though, is that I’ve kind of learned how to blend in most everywhere.  Well, so long as I don’t open my mouth.  If I have to open my mouth I’m much more like the loud Noodle lady.  I may stick out like a sore thumb, but hopefully I’m at least entertaining.

 

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5 Comments

Filed under Just a day in my life.

5 responses to “Well crap. Literally.

  1. Try stopping at the store for lunch one morning and picking up a head of celery to snack on. Then eat the entire head of celery while at work. There are very similar reprocutions.

    I adore sushi and what drives me nuts is are the sushi places in which the entire female staff and all the female customers look like the stepped out of a sorority house. I usually don’t notice that I don’t fit in very well except at these places. Then I feel almost to embarased to stay. And very annoyed. The men are extremely diverse, the women are not. The entire message is women have to be ONE way and men can be anyway.

    • I experienced a lot of that in law school. I ended up in 2 little groups. I hung out with the 3 other old (for law school) students or I was the token white in the group of “other”. Everyone else was too much the same and too much not like me.

  2. lol! Yours was the first blog post I read this morning and it did make me laugh. Good for you for being honest. Everybody sharts at some point.
    Hey, and I’m African Australian. Actually, African, British, Dutch (probably) Australian, with perhaps a sprinkle of Irish in there somewhere too. Damn it, I’m white. When I was a kid and lived in Africa I used to get confused when my parents called people “coloured”. I so wanted there to be rainbow people… Anyway, I can just picture that black woman. Funny!

    • My point exactly! The world is a diverse place and most of us are mutts. I used to work with a white guy from Africa. Calling all black people African is no more accurate than calling all white people European. So silly.

  3. As long as crap doesn’t hit the floor, it doesn’t count. I worked in a grocery store for 5 years and we had a repeat offender that would leave presents for us. One man even dropped his pants in the middle of the aisle and let it go right in front of God and everybody.

    And I totally relate to feeling out of place in some areas. We have a super high class mall where I live that tourists flock to. I’m waiting to be charged for breathing the air one of these days. I do not have the liquid cash to drop $25,000 on a watch before snacking on $150 caviar. I hate going in there, you literally feel people adding up the dollar amount of the clothes you are wearing. But on the plus side, there is a Cheesecake Factory.

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