I may never sleep again

and also, I may have to move.

Believe it or not, I was in my 20’s the fist time I saw a centipede. Well, I mean, in real life and outside of the insect house at the zoo. I always hated that scene in Willy Wonka though. Anyway, I remember my first centipede because I was in the shower and it crawled across the wall. I horror movie screamed and ran wet and naked down the stairs. We had company. I was too busy being horrified to care.

I guess we didn’t have centipedes in the house I grew up in because my dad owned a pest control company and stored bulk containers of pesticides directly beneath my bedroom in the garage. That probably explains a lot of things about my childhood, actually.

Anyway, the house I live in now has centipedes ALL THE FREAKING TIME and by all the freaking time I mean I see 1 or 2 a year. Each time I scream and shake and freak out until someone comes and deals with it or I manage to hit it with one of the objects I am chucking at it from across the room. The centipedes we get here are fast and have really long legs that look like false eyelashes and I’m pretty sure they are getting in through a portal straight from hell. They are horrible and creepy and I just found out recently that they BITE! Holy fudge can these things get any more horrible?!?! (and no, one didn’t bite me, a fb friend was bitten and I was like, GAH OMFG ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! and I looked it up and was like OMG WHY IS LIFE SO TERRIBLE!?!?!)

So last night I was ripping tiles out of my shower and scraping up caulk when I stepped into the hallway to grab a trash can and an entirely different variety of centipede crawled across my hallway floor. This one was bulky and had short legs and looked much more like the giant ones at the zoo than the eyelashy ones we usually have. I screamed so loudly that Andy ran up 2 flights of stairs to see what was wrong. I had a tile in my hand so I threw the tile on it and then jumped up and down on it several times. I made Andy check to be sure it was dead and then had him throw the tile away. I’ll just buy a new tile. It’s okay.

The point of all of this is, I just found out there are at least 2 species of centipedes in this area of the country and apparently they’ve both found the hell portal into my house.

Now I’m all itchy and keep seeing centipedey shadows. *shudder* Yeah, I’m going to have to move.



Filed under * this moment *, Just a day in my life.

9 responses to “I may never sleep again

  1. A millipede might cause you to have an aneurysm.

    • Oddly millipedes don’t bother me. Their legs are all up underneath them so they aren’t as creepy. Plus the millipedes we get around here are really tiny and not all squirmy and leggy like the centipedes are. *shudder*

  2. I acknowledge your fear and sympathize. I also raise you a Banana Spider. Only because they are the size of a dinner plate, they are surrounding my house, and once one hitched a ride on my head.

    A tile is a tile, it was sacrificed for the greater good. But at least centipedes and whatnot aren’t poisonous… at least I think they aren’t. Just creepy looking and generally distasteful.

    • Actually, I just looked up banana spiders and they’re kind of cool. I certainly wouldn’t want to be bitten by one and totally would not be cool with wearing one as a hat, but on the whole, I’m okay with spiders. I still totally sympathize with spider people though because of my whole centipede thing. There is such as a thing as too many legs.

  3. I take it you don’t go camping? lol!

    • I don’t mind insects generally. I will hold praying mantises and walking sticks and don’t mind spiders in the least. Centipedes though, those things are the stuff of nightmares.

      • Walking sticks? Stick insects? I must admit, I will never be able to look at a centipede again without thinking of false eyelashes, lol!

      • It is like a drag queens eye crawling across the wall and it freaks me the heck out. Also, yes, stick insects. I’ve always called them walking sticks. I’m sure they have a more scientific name. šŸ˜‰

  4. I react that way to daddy long-legs. Back in high school, when I was 16 and going though the “I’m so cool I have to sleep naked now” phase, one fell off the ceiling onto my chest. Right between my boobs. I was laying in bed reading. I was suddenly standing up and screaming. My sister, my younger sister, ran in and started laughing at me. I was freaked out over a spider that can’t bite through adult skin. And I was jumping up and down naked. I hope she forgets that story.

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