UPDATE: My mom posted this to facebook today after reading my blog.
“Everyone feels out of place, not accepted, judged, ridiculed or tolerated sometimes. Self doubt is human nature. So is guilt,shame and so many more negative or distorted views of oneself. It’s what we do to overcome these thoughts and perceptions that define us. What we’re able to accomplish despite these inner demons. And who we reach out to that are suffering at any particular time. So embrace y
Thanks Mom. 🙂
Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been working 7 days a week and I think I’ve been fighting depression. It’s hard to say though because I generally fight depression by staying busy and trying not to think about it. It works okay. Now that I am writing, it’s going to be a short post though, because I have to go to work. Working 7 days a week sucks.
This post was prompted by my semi-annual attempt to branch out and meet new people, resulting in me feeling like no one likes me and crying over facebook … like it always does. I don’t know why meeting new people is so hard for me. I don’t know if I try too hard or if I don’t try hard enough but it seems like it always takes people a very long time to warm up to me. I shouldn’t say always. If I have someone I know well and can play off of, I can come across as funny. People like funny. If I’m totally by myself though, I guess I just come across weird. In high school people always told me I reminded them of Allison in The Breakfast Club. I guess I never outgrew it.
I’ve had many, many people tell me they didn’t like me at first but I grew on them. When I ask why, they say they don’t know or that I seemed standoffish. If I seem standoffish it’s because I know people don’t like me at first so I’m afraid to put myself out there. If I put myself out there and I’m rejected, it really, really hurts. It’s a vicious cycle.
So I decided to put myself out there again and now I find myself at a crossroads. I am trying to fit in with a new group and once again, I feel rejected by most. Because I feel rejected by most, I worry that those who are nice to me are just being nice because they feel sorry for me, the poor awkward girl who seemingly doesn’t have any friends. Again, a vicious cycle of self-doubt. So I need to decide if I keep putting myself out there and crying or if I shelve the idea, decide I’m content with the group of friends I have, and retreat back into my world of semi-solitude. In law school I did the latter.
See, I have a lot of friends and my friends are amazing people. I don’t really need to keep putting myself out there. The thing is though, my friends are scattered all over and I seldom get to see any of them. I get lonely and I get tired of feeling like an oddball. I get tired of everyone else doing the things they like to do while I do the things I have to do and nothing more.
So I don’t know what I’ll do. I may endure the hurt of rejection until I finally grow on a few people or I may retreat back into my shell and take up making tiny hats as a full time hobby. We’ll see.