Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I have a lot of posts rolling around in my head, I just haven’t found time to sit down and write them. This, however, was too weird not to share right away.
In addition to not falling asleep easily I also sleep poorly. We bought a Sleep Number bed and it has helped somewhat but I have arthritis and my joints get achy if I’m in the same position for any length of time. As such, I need to change sleeping positions about 200 times a night.
The night before last I went to roll over and realized something heavy, warm, and thick was on my hand. Horrified I raised my arm up to see what it was but it was dark so I couldn’t tell. I also couldn’t think of anything, I mean anything, that could possibly be the consistency of what was in my hand. It was thick and sort of gelatinous with sizable lumps of something hard and it was warm, very warm. Still horrified I began moving my fingers around, hoping my brain could come up with some logical explanation for what I was feeling. Nothing, just squishy, warm, lumpy, unidentifiable SOMETHING in my bed … no, in my hand! I was holding it in my hand and it came from my bed! WTF was going on?!?! My sleep addled brain was reeling, running through a catalog of all possible known substances when the stuff in my hand began to slowly ooze out of my hand toward my face. I froze, my eyes wide, terrified, wondering what sort of living nightmare I was about to experience. It was absolutely one of the most terrifying experiences I’ve ever had while lying in bed.
I eventually got my crap together enough to move my hand away from my face. The substance continued to ooze until it finally landed on my abdomen. I audibly gasped. As I lay there, eyes wide with terror, staring at some gelatinous oozing terror on my stomach, IT GOT UP! It got up and walked away and then I finally realized what it was. It was my freaking cat. There had been a sheet between my hand and the cat so I didn’t feel fur, just all the other stuff a cat feels like. Freaking cat. Andy, of course, slept through the entire ordeal. I think the moral of this story is that both cats and men are completely useless when you’re half asleep and experiencing tactile night terrors.
Coming soon: Ladies, this is why you don’t have gay friends, Come to the dark side, it’s just cooler here, and at least 2 web comics.