The “V” Word

Who has 2 thumbs and does not give a sh*t about Valentine’s Day?

No.  Honey-badger doesn’t have thumbs.  I was referring to this girl,


You may be thinking, “but that doesn’t make sense.  You have both a significant other and a girl parts.  How can you hate Valentine’s Day?  I thought you people made that crap up?”

I’m pretty sure some sadistic douche-bag made it up, actually.  Valentine’s Day is the one day a year designed to make absolutely everyone feel like crap.  Think about it:

Scenario 1:  You have a boyfriend / girlfriend.  Good for you.

A – You buy that person a well thought out gift. In return, he or she gets you some red plastic wrapped crap readily available in every retail establishment in the U.S..  Now you’re disappointed and your significant other feels bad for disappointing you.  Awesome.

B – Reverse the above.  Now you’re the recipient of some well thought out gift but you just grabbed some generic crap at the store.  Now you feel like a tool for not putting enough thought into it when your s.o. was so thoughtful.

C – You both do something really wonderful for one another.  That’s great and you’re both happy until you realize you’ve now set precedent for doing something great on Valentine’s Day.  Now you’re under pressure to perform at least equally well for the duration of your relationship.  Wonderful!  as if there wasn’t enough pressure already.

D -You both just exchange some crappy gift you picked up with little thought.  Big freaking deal.  Why even bother?

E – You do something really wonderful and then make the mistake of telling at least 1 single friend about it.  Congratulations, you’re a jerk.

F – You do something completely meaningless and lame and tell at least 1 single person about it.  You’re still a jerk.

G – You both do something really wonderful for one another and later break up.  Now, not only will you be lonely and feel like a loser on future Valentine’s Days, you’ll have the added bonus of this painful memory of happier times associated with the day too.  Bitter much?

H – You decide to ignore it and hope it goes away. “Surprise!  I’m a jerk who didn’t get you anything.  Thanks for the gift though.”

I – You go out for a nice meal.  So does everyone else in the western hemisphere.  You really would have had a much nicer night out any other day of the year.

Scenario 2 – You’re single

A – No matter what type of A-I Valentine’s Days you’ve had in the past, you feel like the entire world is happier than you. You spend the entire day wallowing in self-pity and decide you’re a loser.

Scenario 3 – It’s February, you’re in a crappy relationship and want to break up.

A – You stay in the relationship until after Valentine’s Day just so you won’t be single.  Now anything you do to celebrate is a lie and you’re  a jerk.

B – You go ahead and break up.  Double whammy!  Now not only are you a jerk for not waiting until after Valentine’s Day, you’ll also be newly single for the self-pity wallow ahead.

You can see where this is going.  It’s a horrible day!  Why do we keep allowing it to exist?  Guilt?  Pressure?

If you need a designated day to tell your significant other how you feel about him / her, your relationship needs more than some flowers or a nice dinner out.  Gestures of love and appreciation mean so much more when they aren’t forced and expected.  Honestly, if Andy comes home with a pack of M&M’s because he was out and thought I would like to have a little something, that means 100x more to me than a whole box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day.  It matters to me that he thought about me, on his own, without coaxing, and did something nice for me just because he wanted to.

If you still think you need a date on the calendar on which to show your love, you already have one.  It’s called your ANNIVERSARY.  And you know what, no one else feels bad about their own relationship status because you had a nice anniversary.  Anniversaries also mean more because you are individually responsible for remembering it, rather than having it thrown in your face every time you turn on a TV or walk into a store.  (Note:  I am absolutely hypocritical for writing this entire paragraph.  I SUCK at remembering our anniversary.  I’m not even sure what the exact date is.  It’s some time in December.)

So friends, this is my appeal to you.  STOP VALENTINE’S DAY.  Lets all put our collective feet down and say, you know what, I’m not going to participate anymore.  I am not going to allow the date February 14th to mean anything to me.  It’s just a day like any other day and I don’t care about it. It’s just a day.  It can’t bully you unless you let it.

In closing, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I don’t care.  Andy and I are going to watch a movie because that’s what we do on Tuesdays.  I’m thinking I’ll probably make grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner.  I am more than ok with doing absolutely nothing to commemorate the day and in my opinion, that’s how it should be.

As an aside, to anyone thinking “but Andy just gave you a pair of freaking sweet Darth Maul Force FX lightsabers for Valentines Day”, he DID NOT.  They just happened to arrive last week and he just happened to buy them in February because that’s when he got his income tax return which, for a change, wasn’t already spent on home repairs.  The fact that he didn’t wait and give them to me on February 14 actually made them mean more to me.  So there.



Filed under Miscellany

2 responses to “The “V” Word

  1. Doug "Canadian" Pirko

    Oh yeah? Well Honey badger may not have thumbs, but he doesn’t even care about your stupid floppy opposable appendages.

    As a possible Scenario Two candidate I spend all day spreading misinformation about how we’re celebrating the anniversary of the St Valentines Day Massacre. Pitiful, but enjoyable.


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