Some time around puberty I came to realize that I do not understand girls. I was always a tomboy and preferred hotwheels and Star Wars toys to playing house or whatever it is that girls do. I did have girl friends as a kid though . Well, up until the point my contemporaries became interested in clothes and shopping and being two-faced and judgmental and then I just decided that I just wasn’t really much of a girl. For much of high school and through my 20′s I just didn’t really have many friends in general. I had a few and they are wonderful and loyal and had been my friends since childhood so they were safe and comfortable and it was fine.
At around 30 I discovered that I do quite well as one of the guys. So for the past 8 years or so I’ve made loads of friends, most of which have wieners. I was totally okay with that except when some guy would bring his wife or girlfriend around under some misguided belief that my being there would somehow make her feel more comfortable. This just served to enhance both my fear of girls and my fear of meeting new people. With that in mind, I decided I needed to conquer my fear of girls.
My local game and comic shop decided to start a girls night about 6 months ago. I figured a game and comic shop was a good place to start, so I started going when I have time. I still feel a bit out of my element and painfully aware of my awkwardness, even with a group of girls who hang out in a game and comic shop, but the girls are all very nice and even though I am the token old chick in the group, I like them.
Last night a few of us had a holiday get together. Within 10 minutes of being there my awkwardness came out in full force. Someone said something about nipples and I chimed in with “I only have one.”
Conversation stopped. Everyone turned to me and someone asked, “one nipple?” I responded that “yes, my left nipple is inverted” to which everyone became immediately fascinated. One of the girls chimed in with “Well I’m curious. I totally want to see that some time.” Then suddenly there was a chorus of agreement from the room and I heard myself say, “if you really want to see it I’ll show you.”
I kid you not, a room full of women leaned in and waited with bated breath. It was like I was telling some fascinating story and they couldn’t wait to find out what was going to happen next. Then I realized that since I hadn’t even been there long enough to sit down yet, I was standing with the girls sitting in a circle all around me, leaning in expectantly. One girl even cleared her throat in a “we’re waiting, make with the nipple” sort of way.
I reached down my shirt, pulled my boob out, leaned forward and then displayed it in a circle around the room like a grade school teacher showing the class the picture in a book she is reading aloud. A flurry of conversations and questions broke out and apparently my inverted nipple is fascinating as well as being sort of weird and horrible. It is also a channel for bad dice rolling juju, but that is a different story.
I debated posting a picture of my inverted nipple here for the curious but then I decided that I do have some modestly and you people have google. I’m not your mother, go look it up. Plus I don’t really want my blog to be flagged as inverted nipple porn or something. It’s bad enough that it frequently comes up in google searches involving “butt plugs”, “daughter butt plug” (why do so many people search for that?!?!? Seriously!), “weiners”, and “boobs”. Since I recently added a tag called “vagina jokes” and am adding “nipple” to this one, it’s probably just a matter of time before I get flagged for something anyway.
So I guess this story has two morals. 1- if you incidentally mention your daughter and butt plugs in the some post, weirdos will google your blog. 2 – don’t mention your mutant body parts in a room full of girls unless you are prepared to display them.
You’re welcome for both of these valuable life lessons.