She’s crafty … but probably more in a Beastie Boys way

I have come to realize that because I work so much and spend a good deal of my free time cleaning, I have lost all ability to entertain myself.  I am half dressed to go out to the club an hour before I want to leave and have no clue what to do with myself.  So here’s a picture of a cool hat that I made.

I made this months ago and pretty much everyone I know has seen it but yeah, I’m really bored.

I guess I’ll go clean something now.  It’s better for everyone that way.

UPDATE:  I am officially so bored that I actually just thought “I guess I could go floss my teeth.”  I find this sad, not because it’s good dental hygiene, I’m all for that, but because I thought of flossing as a means of entertainment.

I have the lamest super power ever, but that’s okay because I can’t wear any of my underwear on the outside anyway.

Tonight over pizza it came up that I often wake in the night a few minutes before one of my animals vomits.  It’s like I sense that something is amiss and hoarking is imminent.  I said I think it’s just a conditioned response because the idea of animals eating barf (their own or a friend’s) is so repugnant that I just stay on anti-hork munching high alert all the time, even when I’m sleeping.  I have to be able to spring out of bed on a moments notice so I can usher the other animals out the door like the police at a crime scene.  ”Let’s go, everybody out, keep it moving, there’s nothing to see here.”

But then Cro was all like “but you wake up BEFORE it happens.  I think that’s your super power.”

So I responded, “yeah, like my Spidey sense, but vomity.  *looks alert* My vomit sense is tingling.”

Cro: “Ooh I can totally see you all with a cape and a roll of paper towels!”

Me: “and a bottle of Resolve carpet stain remover, and I’m holding it all like a laser gun and I yell “DON’T EAT THAT!” … That’s my catch phrase.”

Cro: “No, it’s your BATTLE CRY!”

…

Me: Wow, I really have the lamest super power ever.

Though I guess it’s all just as well because all of my underwear look like this

 

There’s no way I’m wearing that on the outside in public.  According to Andy I should be embarrassed to wear my underwear on the inside in public.  All I have to say in my defense is that I don’t understand how women’s underwear sizing works.  If someone wants to explain that crap to me, I’ll gladly buy new ones.

You say blasphemy, I say quality bonding time. Tomato Tomahto.

My daughter wanted to come home from college for Easter so I thought it would be fun to plan a craft.  Nothing like a little mother / daughter bonding time over sculpy and hot glue, right?

I decided in keeping with the Easter theme, we should make zombie Jesuses … Jesi … whatever the plural of Jesus is, out of sculpey and then have them eat the brains of peeps.  What says Easter louder than that?!?!

 

Easter always was my second favorite zombies and candy holiday.  <3

Jenny Lawson is hippopotamusing AMAZING

Last night I was fortunate enough to attend the Dayton, Ohio book tour stop for Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir by The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson.  Let me start by saying that Jenny Lawson was wonderfully entertaining, super friendly, and all around AWESOME!  Dayton, being the lamest place on earth, was the one and only stop on this book tour or the last to tell Jenny she wasn’t allowed to curse.

Hippopatamus

She did a Q&A session afterwards and I asked what advice she would give to my daughter who is away at college and struggling with anxiety.  Her response: ‘tell her she rocks for even having the courage to go away to school, I didn’t, and pretend you’re good at it.’  She then went on at length about building a support group and being open about having a mental illness and although my daughter wasn’t able to go to the signing with me, when I passed the advice along she smiled, nodded, agreed, and then was super bummed that she missed the signing.

As to “pretend you’re good at it” Jenny explained that this was advice given to her by Neil Gaiman (OMG!!!) and that she writes it on her arm before every speaking event.  This will totally be my next tattoo.

After the Q&A we got our books signed.  Since I preordered to get the signed book plate for my hardcover and I won her blog contest for an autographed audiobook, I decided to pick up the paperback for my daughter and Andy.  When I told Jenny the book was for my daughter whom I’d spoken about, she added “you rock!” to the signature.  Very cool of her.

Then it was photo time

And I even got a hug from Copernicus.  :)

So yeah, it was AWESOME!

I apparently forgot how to tell what’s funny

I’ve had a few people ask me why I never blog anymore and my response has been that nothing funny has happened for me to blog about.  Then tonight at the Jenny Lawson book signing (which I am TOTALLY going to blog about) I was reminded by my friends and loved ones that since the last time I blogged:

• I played Cards Against Humanity with a 13 year old entrusted to my care;
• face planted on the sidewalk on my way into a shop;
• took my college sophomore daughter shopping for her 5th high school prom dress;
• told a nurse stitching me up that I was sorry if I smelled but I peed a little in the accident;
• told my entire craft group that I’m not really into crafts, I’m just trying to learn how to like girls;
• I’m sure there’s a lot more but I’m bullet pointing and bullet points aren’t funny anyway.

The point is, I’m back.  Crazy, weird, funny things happen in my life all the time, I just forgot to notice them.  So going forward, I am going to make a point to blog once a week.  If I think I have nothing to say, I’m going to get a second opinion.  If that doesn’t work, I’ll just post a picture of my butt … or .. something.

I assure you, it’s chicken

Monday I was pretty much smack in the middle of a 52 car pileup on the highway.  It made national news from what I hear. A friend and her son were following me, their car flipped.  I was too worried about them to notice or care that I was hurt, so that worked out.  They walked away with a bump and a bruise.  I walked away with deep bruises over a good portion of my torso and 12 stitches in my knee.  It could have been a lot worse.  I thought about posting the pictures of the accident here, and may at some point.  For now though, I’m dealing with my car and my friend’s car (which was also our company vehicle) being totaled and the long waiting game while the police and insurance companies try to figure it all out.  C’est la vie.

In unrelated news, I have a dog with bilious vomiting syndrome which we control by feeding her pureed chicken, rice, and vegetables.  It’s a pain in the butt but so is scrubbing dog vomit out of the carpet every morning.  At least I only have to make dog food once a week.  I usually just boil a whole chicken but tonight as I was prepping some chicken breasts to go in the freezer it occurred to me that rather than throwing away all the disgusting looking bits that I won’t eat, I should just add them to the dog food.  Good plan, but I probably should have put more thought into the labeling.

I’m planning ahead, people. It’s called survival skills.

Andy: Why do you have so much crap in your purse.

Me: What are you talking about?  I don’t even have that much in there.  In fact, I just cleaned it out and the only thing in there that arguably shouldn’t be is a bulb of garlic.

Andy: Why do you have a bulb of garlic in your purse?

Me: Why WOULDN’T I have a bulb of garlic in my purse.  I said it only arguably shouldn’t be there.  That implies that arguably it should be.

Andy: No really, why do you have a bulb of garlic in your purse.

Me: In the event of vampire apocalypse, you’ll thank me.

Andy: … sigh … Why do I even let you out of the house.

Me: What?  I’m just planning ahead.

Survival skills.  I have them.